If only this thing called parenting had come with a manual. It is undeniably one of the hardest jobs on the planet.

Because every child and every parent is different, there is no one set of instructions that works every time.

Having raised two boys, now grown and in college, and having spent most of my career as a school social worker, there are countless times over the years that I would have picked up this would-be miracle reference guide that might have told me, “When they do this, you do that.”

Without being brave enough to draft a whole manual reflective of my experiences in raising teenagers, I do want to share some, with the hope that it is wisdom that readers might glean something from; “Tricks of the trade,” so to speak.

Even as a trained social worker, I knew that in my parenting life there would be challenging, confusing and down right scary situations. A few of these challenging situations fell into the substance use realm, so that is where I’ll focus.

The key is to be consistent and start early, solidifying some traditions in your family that will later serve as “check points” for substance use and the normal pushing of the boundaries that all teens, very typically and ageappropriately engage in.

I’ll start with the kiss and hug goodnight. Simple right?

Your young little blessing gets one every night before bed. Don’t stop the tradition.

My kids were raised with hugs and kisses before bed, and this is not something they ever outgrew. I always did it.

Although I always loved the practice, when they became teenagers it took on a dual purpose, stemming from the fact that I’m an early-to-bed person and waiting up for their 11 p.m. or midnight curfew wasn’t going to be an easy option for me.

Little did I know that this easy practice that I had instilled from their youngest years was later going to help me sleep! As teenagers I required them to come in and wake me up to tell me they were home.

This was done by a soft whisper indicating their arrival, followed by a hug and kiss. This simple act allowed me a chance to smell their clothes and breath and detect anything that seemed unusual.

I can remember the first time my son did not come in to my room but whispered from the door. You should have seen how quickly I went from sleep to alert, and how fast I got out of that bed when I sensed the need to do so.

Another strategy, that at first was just a design of our house, came out of where my laundry room was located, right near the space where my boys would entertain their friends. If it hadn’t been for the fact that the laundry room was in the basement alongside our rec room, I never would have had a reason to just “ stop by” these teenage gatherings, without looking obvious that I was “checking in.”

Instead I saved my laundry for Friday or Saturday nights, when the boys would have friends over, allowing me the opportunity to do periodic scans of the room and to get a chore done at the same time.

The kids just became used to it, and expected that Mom would be popping her head in periodically. This strategy is so simple but so incredibly effective when deterring the temptation to make poor choices: Ease yourself into their environment in a way that comes naturally, whether it’s where you do the laundry, pay the bills, use the computer, do your hobby — as long as it becomes part of the routine.

On this next point I know I might be going against popular opinion. But in my house, there was never a set curfew. Instead, I looked at every request on a case- by- case basis.

So many times a parent will give a set, across-the-board curfew that is arbitrarily selected rather than being relational to what the child is actually doing.

In my opinion, being out and about without a destination is a recipe for trouble. If mysonwasgoingtoa7p.m. movie, and nowhere in particular after, why did he need my permission to drive around without a destination until midnight?

This approach to curfew opened the door for conversation every time my kids went out. Easy questions followed, “Where are you going, with whom, and when do you expect to be home?”

It allowed them to practice time management skills — important for any teenager! — accountability and served the purpose of keeping them safe and responsible to their commitment.

“Checking in” doesn’t have to mean just checking in with our kids but can and should mean checking in with other parents. Of all my son’s friends there was only one other parent who made that all-important “call” to me to make sure that there would be adult supervision at the party/ sleepover and that indeed it was an arrangement that both parents knew about.

Of course, as parents we all want to trust our kids. So what better way to build that trust than to check on the credibility of what they’re telling us they’re doing?

An additional benefit to “making the call” is that it protects the parent from any liability that may happen in the unfortunate event that your child throws a party while you are gone.

Most parents haven’t visited maineparents.net to learn about Maine liquor laws that include how parents can be held criminally liable if children consume alcohol in their home (even if the parents do not supply the alcohol).

I can remember when my son was just turning 16. I had planned a trip to Las Vegas, and the kids were staying with their father. It didn’t take long for a creative group of teenagers to figure out that Las Vegas was far from Maine and thus my house would be “party central.”

Lucky for me, the plan was foiled across the miles, because of the checks and balances I had put in place.

But here’s the missing detail that could have had a tragic outcome: Not a single parent called my house to check with me about this “ sleepover.” If these teens were able to throw the party, the call they might have received instead would be the one from the police, or even worse, from an emergency room doctor.

Finally, it all comes down to this: Love your child, show consistency in your rules around alcohol, and communicate with everyone; with your child about your trust in their decision making and about the dangers of alcohol and drugs, with other parents about what your rules are, and any party plans or sleepovers, and even with police when you’re going out of town and might want them to check that all is quiet at your house while you’re away.

Check in regularly with the school about your child’s progress and watch for any dramatic change in their grades, attendance or any other information that is easily accessible to parents thanks to parent portal systems on most campuses.

I have been a parent for 21 years, a social worker for more than 20, and now a high school administrator. I have counseled hundreds of teenagers over the years, and the same message that I hear consistently is that they want to know that their parents care.

It’s no surprise that in the 2011 MIYHS (Maine Integrated Youth Health Survey) that 80 percent of high school students reported talking with their parents about school at least once a week, but only 43 percent reported having talked with their parents about the dangers of alcohol, tobacco or drug use within the past year.

I hope, as a community, we can all do our part to make these conversations more in sync, so our kids have all the resources they need to make the safest decisions they can.

For great resources for parents and tips for teens, visit www.midcoastparentsconnect.org.

Mimi Sorg is an assistant principal at Mt. Ararat High School in Topsham.

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