Like many of you, I live on a dirt road in the Lakes Region. Lining my dirt road are many, many houses. Surrounding all those houses are thousands and thousands of trees, a forest of thick, dense evergreens, so thick and dense that summer heat is beaten back, whipping winds barely manage to flutter the curtains, and rays from the sun, unfortunately, never land on my vegetable garden.

Yes, a protective tree canopy can be good for some things, but a little open space would be nice sometimes, especially when it comes to trying to get the new digital TV conversion box to work on my old analog TV. Apparently, the conversion box I bought requires excellent signals to work. It’s all or nothing, it seems, and my tree canopy is too thick to allow decent reception.

So, last month I broke down and got the most basic cable package from Time Warner Cable of Maine. The picture is grand. I get two dozen channels for $15.60 plus tax a month, and I no longer have to look at the rabbit ears atop my TV set. But while I’m glad to have a clear picture, I’m not happy with my selection of channels. And I’m sure there are many other Time Warner customers similarly frustrated by what they are getting.

I’ll give you a rundown on my channel listing. I get 23 channels, Time Warner’s cheapest offering. Channel 2 is Cumberland public access. Channel 3 is Yarmouth public access. I live in Windham, so I’m not sure why Time Warner is giving me these channels. I pay good money to live in Windham. It’d be nice to be able to catch a public meeting when something important is being discussed. Why I get Yarmouth and Cumberland channels is beyond me.

Channel 4 is something weird called FreeSpeechTV. I think it’s broadcast out of Portland. Could it be I get Portland cable access too? Who knows. It’s just weird that I get the news from seemingly every town except my own.

But wait, there’s more, as the infomercial tycoon Ron Popiel would say. Channel 5 is a static ad for Time Warner. It gives an 800 number and an ironic tagline, “The Power of You.” Hello! I obviously have no power here. If I did, I’d order up a better selection of channels!

On the positive side, while the first five channels are totally useless, Channel 6 WCSH is finally where my cable gets good. It’s nice to see NBC 6, FOX 7, ABC 8 and CBS 13 clearly. Sandwiched in there is Channel 9, which seems to be WMTW News 8 reruns. That can be handy if you miss the original broadcast. I also really enjoy receiving channels 10 and 11, Maine and New Hampshire’s public television stations. I bristle at the thought of government-funded anything, but I do think that public television often has the most interesting programs, when we’re not plagued by pledge week.

So, good work Time Warner. While you stink it up with channels 1-5, channels 6-13 are excellent. But, unfortunately, channels 14-23 stink too, with one exception: C-Span on Channel 16.

Channel 14 is QVC. Channel 15 is the TV Guide channel, which basically informs me about all the channels I don’t get. Like I really need the reminder that I can’t afford the “premium” channels.

Channel 18 is ShopNBC. Channel 19 is Jewelry Television. Channels 20, 21 and 22 are all shopping channels as well. And weirdly enough, my last channel is Discovery Health. Maybe that’s Time Warner’s way of reminding viewers to get off the couch?

As you can tell, I was appalled when I scanned my channels for the first time after the installation. I pay for five shopping channels, one channel that’s a non-stop ad for Time Warner. I pay to watch Cumberland and Yarmouth town meetings. I pay for a TV Guide channel that’s more time-consuming than flipping through my few good channels.

What I’d like to have is ESPN, Discovery, The History Channel, The Weather Channel, The Travel Channel, CNN Headline News, The Golf Channel, Fox News – stuff like that.

Here’s the rub: If you’re going to take away our free access to television signals, then give us schmucks who live beyond the digital signal some better selection on basic cable. Give us 23 satisfying channels, not five or six meaty channels surrounded by gristle.

John Balentine, of Windham, is a former editor of the Lakes Region Weekly.