I got some thrilling news from Florida recently: my friend Fawna is going to be a mom.

She’s going to be a great one too, since she’s selfless, creative, responsible, kind, and above all, patient.

But before she and her husband embark upon the business of feeding, clothing, nurturing, socializing, educating, housing, bathing, and chauffeuring their impending progeny, who is currently negative 4 months old, they’ve got an even more daunting task: what to call their offspring.

Deciding what name(s) a child will bear for the rest of his or her life is no small responsibility. According to tireless research conducted by a group of eminent sociologists I’ve taken great pains to imagine, the job of parenting officially begins at a child’s birth, and continues until said person reaches 80 years of age or the baby’s parents expire, whichever comes first. That’s just one reason why assigning an appropriate name is so vital. Eighty years is a long time under any circumstances, it’s but even lengthier for someone who’s resented their name (and by extension, the people responsible for it) for as long as he or she has been answering to it.

There is nothing prospective parents need less than to have to graciously feign gratitude to individuals who feel they have the right to suggest a name for someone else’s not-yet-extant child. Moms- and Dads-to-be have enough on their minds without having to pretend they’ll consider some well-meaning relative’s earnest suggestion they name their baby daughter after dear Aunt Bertha.

Not wanting to be the cause of such insincerity myself, I have no intention of using this space to offer any silly suggestions regarding a name for anyone’s child. In fact, I’m giving my friends in the Sunshine State (as well as expectant couples everywhere) something far more valuable than advice on what to name their soon-to-be-born son: practical advice on what NOT to name him!

History has made certain names completely unpalatable. It’s been at least two millennia since any sane parents have christened their son “Caligula,” “Nero,” or “Attila.”  “Judas” is another appellation that has, due to an unfortunate decision on the part of an individual who once went by that name, pretty much gone the way of the Dodo bird.

Some names subtly convey great meaning. Take, for example, a product that succeeds despite an infamous sobriquet. You know darn well Adolph’s meat tenderizer is the best product of its kind if it continues to sell despite sharing its name, albeit spelled differently, with a mass murderer who tried to ethnic cleanse his way to world domination.

Certain names popular in some cultures are strictly taboo in others. That’s why sensible Americans refrain from naming their son “Osama” or “Saddam.” While those names are enviable on certain parts of the globe, around here they are all but guaranteed to make their owners the target of all types of abuse. Why subject one’s child to preventable persecution? Parents of kids named Tom, Dave, or Mark will always have the consolation of knowing that if their son is always the last one picked for kickball, well, at least it isn’t entirely their fault.

With today’s 24-hour-per-day, seven-day-per-week news cycle, some names can disappear in nanoseconds. Recent events have likely relegated “Roseanne” and “Harvey” to lengthy stays on the suspended names list. Unlike “Vlad the Impaler,” “Harvey” isn’t exactly extinct, but it may turn out to be the 21^st-century equivalent of “Benito,” which is to say it’s probably going on an extended hiatus.

But all the Harveys out there shouldn’t despair. Names can make comebacks. Two decades ago “Monica” was all but defunct after a young woman bearing that name became a national punch line due to her dalliance with a sitting president who could control neither his libido nor his ego, and who had no problem lying about it. But today Monica Lewinsky is a passionate social activist and eloquent speaker/writer whose efforts to raise awareness of (and hopefully eradicate) cyber-bullying are as admirable as they are inspiring. In fact, were I to become a father again (an unlikely though technically possible scenario) I’d consider naming my daughter Monica. Not my son though, since doing so might end up making him the last pick for kickball.

To summarize, here’s everything expectant parents need to know about selecting a name for their male child:

1)    Profusely thank everyone who offers you a possible handle for your son.

2)    Say no to Adolf, Osama, Manson, and, for the foreseeable future, Donald and Donald Jr.

3)    Kindly but firmly ignore everyone else’s free advice.

4)    Except mine. It’s worth every cent you paid for it.