OK, OK, OK, I get it. The public uproar (uproar = two readers) over the New Year’s Resolutions I listed here from other citizens of Zip Code Land 04074 last week was that they wanted to see MY resolutions, and not just have the resolutions of some poor saps who had foolishly responded to my quarter page ad foisted upon them. Fine. Here you go. Dine on them, compadres.

10) Scarborough Starbucks Wins Little League Title!

National companies tend to donate zero dollars to local organizations. Boooo. I will buy a cup of coffee at the new Starbucks in town once I see that name across the chest of a Scarborough Little League player.

9) Keep Making Those Google Eyes, and Your Face Will Freeze Like That.

My late mother was a reasonable person. (Not!) “You’ll poke your eyes out…” Or “Your face will freeze like that.”

This year, I will steal her mantra on my kids eating vegetables. Within a week, scurvy. Within a month, fingernails fall off. By July, skin yellow. Kids, I warned you.

8.) The Sky Is Falling! The Sky Is Falling!

I am swearing off weather reports. No more snowstorm hysteria. No more rain panic.

The NewsCenter6 “dah/dah dah/dah dah/dah” Doomsday music on TV? Cover ears.

7.) What Would Aunt Bee on ‘Mayberry R.F.D.” Do (Wwabomrfdd?)?

This year, Old School returns to the neighborhood. Bake two dozen brownies. Give a batch away. It snows? Go shovel a walkway across the street. Loan somebody a cup of sugar.

Actually, brownies are out (see one of the Resolutions below). On shoveling – what if I fell and broke my leg? As for sugar, times have changed floppy disks or printer cartridges might be better.

6) This Space Reserved for Fuel Efficient Vehicles

I pledge to drive less, be more efficient, burn less gas.

Oh, I am sorry. Three teenagers. The antonym for efficient plans and travel.

5.) You Can Pick Your Friends. You Can’t Pick Your Relatives…

I promise to be nice to all relatives who either call me at my law firm on a Monday morning with “Hey, just a quick question;” or call me at home on a Sunday and say, “Gee, I didn’t want to call you at the office and bother you” with a legal question (Huh?); or who corner me at a social occasion and say, “I don’t mean to come across as petty or vicious,” and then come across as petty and vicious. I will accept legal fees from them and then bear it kind of like jumping in the ocean for a Polar Bear Club fundraiser.

4.) Do As I Say, Not As I Do

I promise to try to help my adult male friends who take the game of golf too seriously and urge them not to care so much about whether they shoot a high, horrendous, this-resembles-a-long-distance-phone-number score. (2015 will be set aside for the same goal for moi).

3) Yikes! A Car Accident?! Quick Look Away!

No more political extremes on Talk Radio, or late-night Cable TV. No more Laura Ingraham Radio Show (angry on the Right). No more “The Ed Show” on MSNBC (blowhard on the Left).

2) The President’s Council on Physical Fitness Recommends Eating This.

I promise I will drink 10 bottles of water a day. I will replace 10 currently consumed food groups in my life. The Top Three are: Whoopie Pies, French Horns and Double Chocolate Fudge Brownie “Ben and Jerry’s” ice cream (this one counts as seven).

1. ) Do Unto Others And Then Duck

I promise to follow The Golden Rule in this column. (Do the Rite Aids and Walgreens in Zip Code 04074 Land stock enough No-Doz to make that Resolution feasible?).

OK. That’s 10. Content now? Hope so. Happy New Year.

Dan Warren is a lawyer who lives in Scarborough. He can be reached by email at: jonesandwarren@gmail.com.