Q: I am a grandparent of a very verbal and intelligent 26-month-old. He seems to remember everything told to him. He also loves my cat when he visits. I recently lost this cat to illness. How does a 2-year-old comprehend death? How can I explain my pet’s absence in a healthy manner that he can comprehend and that doesn’t scare him about losing another loved one? — Via email

A: The death of a pet is often a child’s first opportunity to learn about mortality, so hard for any of us to understand.

It’s up to us to honor children’s natural curiosity. Yet often we avoid such questions — either because we’re struggling with our own feelings about death, or because we don’t even know where to begin to help children think about it.

You’re right that children this age seem to remember everything. That’s a good way for them to learn about the world. They don’t yet know how to judge the relative importance of their experiences, all of which are stored as equally important: their dessert last night, the time they stubbed a toe, or a big brother’s favorite book.

Later, when they can tell what’s important and what isn’t, they won’t need to remember as much. Yet many adults like to think that children are too young to be affected by events such as death. That may comfort us, but it’s just not true.

Two-year-olds aren’t able to fathom the permanence of death. Instead, they expect it to be reversible. The cat will “wake up” or “come back.” This is one reason why it’s very important for you to explain as clearly as possible that when an animal or a person dies, their life stops. And it won’t start again.

This may seem like horrible news to break to a child, and may not seem necessary since the child can’t grasp big concepts like “forever.” But it’s far worse to tell a child that the pet just “went to sleep.” Bedtime fears may be the result.

Who would want to take the risk of going to sleep if it meant not waking up for days or weeks, or however long it’s been since the cat died — never mind not waking up forever?

By the same token, if you tell the child that the “angels came” to take the poor cat, the child may be terrified that the same thing will happen to him.

How can you protect a young child from fearing that other important beings will die? By explaining clearly and simply what happened to the cat. Whatever happened is probably not going to happen imminently to the child’s closest relatives, friends and pets.

“The cat died because he was very, very old. Much older than me. Much older than your Mommy or Daddy. Much, much older than you.” Or, “The cat died because he was very, very, very sick. Most people don’t get that sick until they are very, very, very old.”

Of course there are exceptions — but you’ve been truthful and left room for them.

When a death occurs, young children worry first about whether they themselves will die, and then about the people they count on to take care of them.

Usually we can reassure children that they and their families are unlikely to succumb to whatever killed the cat. And if, for any reason, they really are at risk, then it may be time to start finding simple, honest ways to talk about what’s going on. A child’s capacity to trust is at stake. 

Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndicate, 620 Eighth Ave., 5th Floor, New York, N.Y. 10018. Questions may also be sent by email to:

nytsyn-families@nytimes.com