It’s time for that popular feature, Practical Advice for Political Nutjobs, the column that’s been proven by complicated scientific-type testing to help weirdos avoid public humiliation. It also saves them money because they never again need to line their hats with pricey aluminum foil.

Best of all, it doesn’t matter where their oddball beliefs fall on the ideological spectrum. Right-wing Birthers, left-wing Truthers, middle-of-the-road ignoramuses – all of them will benefit from these lessons, just as soon as they remove their earplugs, blinders and the electronic skull implants that allow them to receive direct communications from either Glenn Beck or Michael Moore – or, in extreme cases, both.

Today, these wackos are going to learn how to bamboozle the news media into giving them positive coverage, even though they’re espousing irrational positions based primarily on research conducted by people in white lab coats who make their livings playing expendable extras on movies on the Syfy channel.

Also, Charlie Sheen thinks they make a lot of sense.

For a shining example of public relations done correctly, we need look no further through the Museum of the Misguided, Misled, Misinformed, Maladroit, Malcontented and Mischievously Malevolent than the tiny coterie of disconnected dorks who believe Central Maine Power is intent on making them sick by installing Smart Meters in their houses.

Smart Meters are devices that allow CMP to figure out how much electricity you use without sending meter readers to check. Eventually, the Smart Meter may help you to decide when to do chores that require a lot of electricity – such as laundry, housecleaning or running a cyclotron – at times of day when power is cheapest. They’ll also allow CMP to take video of you naked.

None of that bothers the anti-Smart Meter crowd. They’re in favor of energy conservation, and they all hit the gym regularly, so they look good with no clothes on. What they don’t like is that Smart Meters give off radio waves.

Just like cell phones, microwave ovens, WiFi routers, televisions and – not surprisingly – radios.

People have been exposed to radio waves ever since Marconi stole the idea from Tesla, thereby creating a medium ideally suited for dribble-brained shock jocks and bone-headed talk-show hosts. Given the usual assortment of programming, you can understand why somebody might have concerns that the emanations from those broadcasting towers are rotting our minds. Trouble is, in spite of numerous studies conducted by people with actual advanced degrees in science stuff, there’s no evidence to support that idea.

Fortunately, this kind of factual deficit never presents a serious obstacle to true believers of any sort. They’re convinced Obama was born in Kenya or George W. Bush planned the 9/11 attacks or childhood vaccines cause autism or UFOs have abducted them or masturbation makes hair grow on the palms of their hands.

It’s the same with radio-frequency fanatics. If they have a bad night’s sleep, it wasn’t associated with the chili dogs they ate for a bedtime snack. It was the cell phone.

If they wake up with a headache, it’s unconnected to that bottle of vodka they drank for a nightcap. It was the microwave.

If they have pain in their wrists, it couldn’t be carpal tunnel caused by incessant use of their hairy hands for sexual gratification. It’s the Smart Meter.

Equipped with fewer facts and more absurd claims than the average infomercial, the Meteroids have taken their case public and met with surprising success in generating news stories that make them appear normal. That’s due to two important factors:

These people don’t act like kooks. Aside from their obsession with Smart Meters, they behave appropriately. They have jobs. They have families that aren’t ashamed to be seen with them in public. They speak in complete sentences without spraying spittle.

Even more important than their appearance is their opponent. Nobody likes the electric company. It’s a faceless corporate entity that’s annoyed just about everyone with its haughtiness and indifference, folksy TV spots notwithstanding. CMP is impossible to sympathize with, so if somebody says something bad about it, we’re inclined to hope it’s true.

That gives anyone opposed to the Smart Meter policy a significant edge with the news media, who love underdogs. Even Gov. Paul LePage, an avowed supporter of “real science,” has said the Anti-Meter Maids and Men should be allowed to opt out of the new system. And we all know how hard it is to get on LePage’s good side. I mean, this is the guy who hates whales and newspapers.

So, that’s this week’s advice to freaks: Choose an opponent who has a lousy public image (if you can’t get CMP, try Bernie Madoff, Moammar Gadhafi or Ben Roethlisberger). Dress neatly. Speak calmly and concisely.

And keep those hirsute paws (“Daddy, is that a werewolf?”) hidden behind your back.

Give me a hand – I mean the applause kind – by e-mailing aldiamon@herniahill.net.