For years, we’ve heard pundits lament how political gridlock has clogged the cogs of government. From Augusta to Washington, we’ve heard the argument that we’d all be better off if moderates were in control, if centrism was allowed to flourish.

In fact, we’ve heard so much talk through the years that you’d think there’d be at least one centrist floating around that we could snap a picture of for memory’s sake. It sort of reminds you of the mysterious missing link between ape and human that scientists tell us exists but can never quite unearth.

Since gridlock’s beginnings, nary a moderate has come above ground long enough to be tagged for later identification. Until now. The missing link, between Republicans and Democrats in this case, has been found and it comes in the form of a man and two women.

Last week, not one but three centrists emerged in the U.S. Senate: Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania and Maine’s dames. The media is heralding the threesome for turning their backs on their GOP mates by voting for the Democrat-sponsored stimulus package. Susan Collins and Olympia Snowe are playing the media darling part perfectly and no doubt will benefit politically down the road for their “heroic” actions.

While I don’t know whether the stimulus package will be good or bad for America (who knows for sure, we’re all just winging it, aren’t we?), I do know that I’m sick of hearing about centrists and moderates. Because, if you ask me, moderates stand for nothing and centrists do nothing. Both, eventually, will be found out as weak-spined frauds.

On the political map, a moderate is someone who falls somewhere between conservative and liberal. She inhabits a mysterious middle ground, caught between two perceived extremes of black and white, good and evil. Pray tell, what exactly is the moderate position with regard to the stimulus package? Like most disputes, contrary to the relativism that pervades our modern thinking, there is no gray area when it comes to the liberal proposal of spending our way out of recession. Far from being centrists, Snowe, Collins and Specter are clearly fiscal liberals if they believe spending $1.5 trillion (the total of both bailout packages) is the answer.

To put it bluntly, liberals believe in government. That is, they believe a fully functioning government should take care of its constituency in every manner.

As a refreshing alternative, conservatives believe American ingenuity, hard work and strong community are the keys to a happier future, and have been the reasons for much of America’s bounteous past. What middle ground is there? You either believe spending will work or you don’t. By their recent vote, Snowe and Collins show their true colors. They are on the liberals’ side, the side that believes government is the answer.

The recent craze over the graces of moderation and centrism is smoke and mirrors. There is no middle ground. Centrists don’t exist. Can you think of one political issue that has a middle ground? Abortion? You either kill the baby or you don’t. Death penalty? You either kill the inmate or you don’t. Welfare? You either give folks money or you don’t. Illegal immigration? You either close the borders or you don’t. Fiscal restraint? You either fund pork barrel projects or you don’t. When issues come to a vote, you have to say yea or nay, not “neither.”

Compromise never works. Look where it gets you in your personal life. Why do we think compromised principles in Washington or Augusta or locally is something to be praised? What’s wrong with entrenched battles between two immovable sides with the majority winning the day? Yeah, it’s not pretty, but isn’t that what a republic is all about?

Here’s a prediction: Either Snowe or Collins, before the year is out, will make it official. They’ll cease to be RINOs (Republican in Name Only) and complete their metamorphosis. The only surprise will be what they become. My guess is they’ll stop short of registering Democrat and settle with the centrist, and therefore meaningless, moniker: Independent.

John Balentine, of Windham, is a former editor of the Lakes Region Weekly.