Ahh, gay marriage.

Finally, something easy to wrap our puny minds around. Forget all this economic confusion, let’s talk about sex. Makes you kind of nostalgic for the Clinton years, doesn’t it, where one could be politically informed and titillated all at the same time. Be happy, fellow Mainers, because those days are back.

Sen. Dennis Damon, a Democrat from Trenton (wherever that is) has proposed a bill that would allow gays to marry. Ah yes, while representatives have no clue how to fix our economic condition, now thanks to Sen. Damon, they’ll have something to sink their teeth into, as will us media types and all those talking heads at the myriad of social nonprofits around Maine.

Yes, yes. We can understand gay marriage. It involves a man and man, or maybe a woman and another woman, having the same rights as straight folk, to live together in harmony with all the rights due them by the state. Yes. We can understand this. It doesn’t have anything to do with Ponzi schemes, stimulus packages or mortgage-backed securities. It’s about relationships, something we see ad nauseam on our afternoon soaps, talk shows and favorite night-time dramas.

I think I’ve finally figured these politicians out. When things get too complicated, they turn to stuff like this – gay marriage, casino gambling, liquor distribution. It’s easier for them. In tough times, to keep up appearances, they turn to legislating morality. They either legalize vices, consider legalizing vices or miraculously decide to keep some vices outlawed. (Prostitution, your day will come, don’t worry. But you might want to take a seat because the progressives still have much work to do in Maine – heck, we still have to OK full-fledged casino gambling and legalize pot.)

Legislating morality is good for the politicians because, to the average voter, they look like they’re doing something while in office. It’s good for the media because anything to do with vice sells. And it’s good for us commoners because, dang it, we just like to be titillated.

So, Sen. Damon, thank you for your proposal of gay marriage. However, while I’m grateful for your proposal, I think I’ll have to decline.

See, I’m against gay marriage. Strongly. Something in my bones says it’s not right. But I’m not rabid about it. I won’t scream in your face. I understand there are some things liberals and conservatives will never agree on, and this is one. You either believe having gays marry other gays is a noble pursuit and want your children to follow that path, or you don’t. There’s no debate, because there’s no logical reasoning. There are religious grounds and what your parents taught you was right. These forces play a large part in this debate. Logic plays no part. But since most politicians don’t operate on logic, gay marriage will be a perfect pacifier for them during this upcoming session.

While I’m not shocked that this issue has come up here in Maine, I hold out hope that it’ll fade away quietly. Sen. Damon couldn’t have picked a worse time to bring this issue to the fore. If our representatives actually devote precious hours debating this topic, they will show themselves to be like the deck hands rearranging the chairs on the sinking Titanic, busying themselves with frivolity whilst our economic ship goes down. It’s almost as silly (and revealing) as the Portland school committee saving their precious sex education curriculum, divisive as it is, and chucking sports.

If our legislators are truly working for the public good, there should be no time for Damon’s bill. Each representative – since they’re getting paid to do this, let us not forget – should be spending every waking minute trying to figure out ways to keep Maine from succumbing to the collapsing economy. If they aren’t doing that, and are titillating themselves with bills like Sen. Damon’s, then they really don’t appreciate the situation we’re in and shouldn’t be in office in the first place.

John Balentine, former editor of the Lakes Region Weekly, is a resident of Windham.