As a public service, today I am providing sage wisdom – by request – to the lovelorn, the troubled, the pompous (OK, not by their request, but my own) and to Wall Street stockbrokers searching for a 12-step program. All readers requesting assistance have asked to remain anonymous, of course!

Old-timers and set ways

Dear Dan:

I am new to the area. I have noticed that many times, when I am asking people for directions, they will direct me to a place, and make many references in their directions to what businesses used to be in a place, or which people once lived in a particular house, or to what a road was formerly called.

Is it me, or does this really happen?

Signed,

Townied to Death in Scarborough

Dear Townied:

Yes, it does really happen.

We do it for two reasons. One is to make sure you know how long we have lived here, as if we are in line perhaps for some sort of Boy Scout merit badge for having resided in the same town for the longest period of time.

The second reason we do it is because of a mental condition – CRA, or Can’t Remember Anything.

CRA, the seventh greatest crippler of people over 35, makes victms unable to remember things not as they were, but as they are today.

For example, we can’t remember that the restaurant located at the corner of Route One and Black Point Road is Amato’s. (Actually, we don’t always quickly recall that it is now a restaurant/store; if you woke us up from a deep sleep and asked us, we would tell you that site is the location of Key Bank!)

What we CAN remember is that many decades ago, Larry Jensen’s family lived in the house behind the building that now houses Amato’s.

Don’t be angry with us. Sympathize with us. Pour us hot tea. Hug us. We need help joining the 20th century (it is the 20th still, right?).

Yours truly, etc., etc.

Sugarloafer – since 2006!

Dear Dan:

I have lived in Cape Elizabeth for 42 years. My family has lived here twice that long. My grandfather was a full-time lobster fisherman (and I don’t mean he did it to help him get into Middlebury at age l7).

I have noticed most Lexuses and Volvos in town have Sugarloaf stickers on the back windows.

Is this some type of requirement? Is it a local ordinance, or state or federal law?

Signed,

Curious in Cape

Dear Curious:

It is not actually a federal law (though the price of the decal, I am told, is an allowable tax deduction on your federal return if you claim it as a necessary business expense, e.g., you work in the Old Port and would be ostracized by your peer group if you did not have one.

It is actually a manufacturer’s option on most models. The way it works is, if the sticker is on the back window, the mileage is generally l5 to 20 percent better, and the ride is smoother.

Take the sticker off? Or try?

The vehicle’s ignition won’t start.

It is kind of like those devices that prevent people with a blood alcohol content above the legal limit from being able to put their keys in the ignition and start their vehicles.

The trend is apparently catching on.

As part of the proposed federal bailout of the three big automakers, other manufacturer’s options are being discussed and planned.

At high-end car dealerships in Scarborough, vehicles will be sold in 20l0 that do not function unless the operator has his or her cell phone actually engaged for a conversation.

At two particularly well-heeled automobile showrooms in Falmouth, you will be able to purchase a vehicle that will cut its carbon emissions by 30 to 40 percent if you still have a “W ’04” or “My Child is a Math Honors Student at Falmouth Middle School” on a sticker on its bumper.

In Westbrook, near the old Exit 8 (sorry – historical reference alert! historical reference alert!), FM radio will come in well only if, in the case of male operators, the driver is wearing a baseball cap and has facial hair.

In certain towns in York County, your local town clerk will reduce the excise tax on your vehicle by an amount equal to 10 percent of your home valuation if you have a sticker on your bumper saying “My Child Beat Up Your Montessori Student.”

Yours truly, etc., etc.

Football and suburbia

Dear Dan:

I have lived in Scarborough about l5 years. I am married with two children.

I like football and am trying to figure things out around here.

I know they started football about l0 or l2 years ago. I know they had a lot of success and won a state title in Class B in the late l990s or so. Since then, some of the years, they have struggled. My son is in middle school. I would like him to play, and play where he can have success. Why the lack of titles the past five or so years?

Signed,

Perplexed Pigskinner

Dear Perplexed:

I don’t know the answer.

All I can tell you is what a very funny kid in 2003 or 2004 told me. I asked him about two-a-days, weightlifting, playing in the offensive line, getting pounded, having to block big, angry, fast linebackers, etc.

He scowled at me and said, “In my family, we hire those things out.” Funny line! He was equating the mowing of lawns, the painting of garages, and other chores with the grunt work needed in football: Pay someone else to do it.

Take heart! I am told things may be turning around, and will get better with some ardent players and serious coaches. Book season tickets early for next year before they sell out!

Yours truly, etc., etc.

AG backlash?

Dear Dan:

I have been reading about the race in Augusta for the new attorney general. Three people were running. Janet Mills of Farmington eventually won.

The votes were by secret ballot. But what if our representatives and senators in Cape and Scarborough didn’t vote for her? Will there be recriminations?

Signed,

On Eggshells in Cape

Dear Eggshells:

Yes, we will all pay. The politicians all take this stuff pretty seriously, both because the duties are important and involve protecting the health and safety of Maine citizens, and also because AGs often end up running for governor later on.

The recriminations could be many. Typically, it’s not what the AGs actually do. It is sometimes what they won’t do.

For example, they might leave the clam-digging areas in Scarborough and Kettle Cove open despite some possible evidence of red tide.

Or they might understaff the state board that oversees and licenses barbers and hairstylists. People could soon be running around both towns with really bad haircuts.

When you see Cynthia Dill or Sean Flaherty or Peggy Pendleton or Larry Bliss in public, ask them whom they supported. Then tell them you have heard that the Lobster Shack and Ken’s Place are going out of business because there are people who will only eat frozen fried clams from Shaw’s frozen food section.

But seriously, our new AG, Janet Mills, is an ethical prosecutor who is probably already too busy to worry about who didn’t vote for her on the first ballot (she won in the second ballot runoff). Kind of like Atlanta in the l980s – The City Too Busy to Hate. She not only beat her two male opponents politically, but I personally think she would prevail in a WWF-type brawl against either, or both.

Yours truly, etc., etc.

Hoops heat up

Dear Dan:

I live on a houseboat on the Spurwink River. I float between Scarborough and Cape and back all day.

I like high school basketball. I can’t decide which boys team to root for – Cape boys, or Scarborough boys.

Any thoughts? What do they need to do to succeed?

Signed,

Rolling on a River

Dear Rolling:

Good questions.

Both teams will be worth watching this year.

In Cape, all they have to do is what Coach Jim Ray tells them to do. He had his team at the Thanksgiving Tournament at SMCC in South Portland. He looks very serious on the sidelines, or walking across the floor at halftime. Heck, he also looks very serious when standing in line at the hot dog stand two hours before the game. High school coaches who keep a thumb on players, especially boys, often do well.

In Scarborough, all they need to do is what Scarborough boys who play soccer, lacrosse, cross-country and track do – go really fast. The SHS boys do well in those sports. Their success often comes from speed, or at least they are playing and running really fast during ther championship-winning performances.

This is not always the case with SHS boys basketball.

From time to time in the past two decades, the Red Storm male hardcourters have seemed more like something out of the movie “Hoosiers.”

As Tommy Chard, sports writer at the Press Herald, would say, “Set it up; put it in; set it up; put it in; let’s go, fight, win!” (Chardy likes references to l960s cheerleading routines).

An SHS fan predicts of this winter season:

“I sometimes can’t see the players on the soccer field because they are moving so quickly. If I have trouble with IDs this winter in basketball, that will be a good sign.”

Yours truly, etc., etc.

That’s all for today, boys and girls. Write with other concerns and needs for life salvation at your leisure.