Lane/Tommy: We have been fortunate to discover a new subspecies of Albatross in Maine and lucky enough to name it. We named this new bird Governmentus Albatrossus, of the genus Mucho Spendacitus and species Shanghaius Everytimeus.

The story about the Albatross was made famous in the Rime of the Ancient Mariner by Samuel Taylor Coleridge in which a mariner in bad faith kills an Albatross and is forced to wear the dead bird around his neck as punishment. We hope that after reading this column you will feel like there is a government Albatross around your neck.

Lane: Did you hear about the employees of the Maine Turnpike Authority (MTA) going to a meeting of the International Bridge, Tunnel and Turnpike Association in Vienna, Austria at a cost of $26,000? Supposedly, these annual conferences have led to decreased man-hours and lessened operating costs but I guess I should ask why do the tolls always increase?

This four-day boondoggle will be at the Vienna Hilton hotel. They will come back to undoubtedly want an expensive study so I say let them conference by video and e-mail in order to save taxpayers money.

At the same time, the governor has expressed an interest in combining the turnpike authority with the Maine Department of Transportation but we all know what the government creates only grows like a fat cat. Maybe this junket to Vienna will be a last hurrah for turnpike authority management (or mismanagement)!

Tommy: Next comes the abominable ghost of civic centers past. Has there ever been a publicly funded civic center that has made money instead of being a burden on taxpayers? There is a study being conducted on the Cumberland County Civic Center to renovate and possibly expand it to the tune of $50 million. I cannot wait for the big-spending politicians to state that the civic center is an absolute need, not a want. I don’t believe that taxpayers should be saddled with the monetary responsibility of renovations or rebuilding a civic center. If it’s such a good deal, sell it to a private investor who can be taxed on the profits so it becomes a money maker for the county.

Lane: If you love to travel by automobile, which most of us do, be prepared to pay higher tolls in Massachusetts and New Hampshire in the near future. Tommy went through the New Hampshire tolls last Saturday and asked how much was increase going to be. The answer was 50 percent.

Maine has added a dollar or more in taxes to oil changes depending upon the size of the vehicle. The federal government is looking at adding a dollar tax on a pack of cigarettes. A barrel of crude oil has reached $80 and there is talk of the price reaching $100 a barrel. Factor in the inflating costs of food and we won’t have to worry about smoking or driving. It is obvious that government spending has become an Albatross around our necks.

Tommy: The time has come for our leaders to elicit some self-control regarding spending in order to show fiscal responsibility to the taxpayers. This can be accomplished by making choices about spending instead of raising taxes to give everyone what they want. We simply cannot afford to pay for all the supposed needs and wants of government at all levels.

In Windham, there is talk about a new park and a new bus garage with showers, lockers and lounges. I have to ask what is next? Will we be paying for pool tables, a bowling alley and a swimming pool at the Public Works Department so the morale of local government workers won’t suffer? I would think that above-average Maine salaries, benefits and guaranteed pay raises would be enough to retain government employees.

Lane/Tommy: We will pray the same as the Ancient Mariner to release us from the curse of the government Albatross.

Lane and Tommy of Windham will soon release their latest nonfiction book, “A Gold Miner’s Daughter, the True Story of a State Employee’s Child.” In this novel set in Augusta, they will explain the three options available to Mainers for employment and success. The truly successful worker will be employed by the government. Those who work under the table will be called Moonshiners and the rest of us can move on down the line to another state.