“It’s the increase in global temperatures that has caused a decline in pirates.” -Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Lane/Tommy: The quote we used may be just the opposite of what it states. Maybe it’s the decline in pirates that has caused global warming. Hey, history proves it. These days we hear a lot about global warming and the use of biofuels made from corn, for example. The clouds of doom are forming because of our dependency on fossil fuels and the sky is falling because we are not rapidly expanding the use of ethanol and other biofuels.

Predictions of a 20-foot rise in the sea level, floods, drought and massive food shortages have many people fearing for their lives. We then hear how the rich politicians plant trees for the so-called carbon credits because they fly around the planet in their jets spewing out more pollutants than 100 of us could in our lifetimes. Since only people of wealth have the ability to purchase substantial carbon credits, normal citizens will only change because of guilt, not because they can afford to make a difference.

Tommy: Let’s take corn for use as a biofuel replacement for either diesel or gasoline. Would we ever be able to plant enough corn to solve our reliance on fossil fuels at an affordable cost? Remember that corn has many uses including feeding the world, animal food as well as being used in many food products. Just read food labels and look for such things as high fructose corn syrup or just plain corn syrup, even on soda bottles. Dried cat and dog food has some corn listed as an ingredient. Already there are news articles that costs of food containing corn products including beef are increasing because more and more corn is being used to make ethanol. Is it possible to grow enough corn for fuel and feed or are we going in the wrong direction? Maybe it’s time we all plant corn and bring it to a plant to be processed into our own food and fuel.

Lane: Since I have arthritis I kind of like the idea of global warming. It makes me wonder if we can get Maine’s temperature up to a minimum of 70 degrees and then start planting trees. Of course one must remember that 90 percent of Maine is covered with trees unless that is another urban legend. I feel we must look at truly viable alternatives like nuclear, hydrogen or even methane from manure. One of the predictions in the 1950s was that by the new century every vehicle would be nuclear powered. That’s a swell thought considering how the threat of terrorism has increased. To me, manure has to be the best alternative as all one has to do is listen to all the manure coming out of Augusta or Washington. And it stinks!

Lane/Tommy: We have heard of other alternative fuels like used cooking oil from restaurants that has been processed to remove all impurities. Driving behind a car that smells like french fries is much better than the rotten egg smell of a catalytic converter. Why not go back to Stanley Steamers? They were propelled by a steam engine that could burn anything so why not dried corn like we can use in stoves? You could even grow your own corn to use and it would be cheap!

Tommy: Let’s invent a new horse before a new cart. The most important change is in the engine itself. The basic internal combustion engine hasn’t changed in principle since it was introduced in the late 1800s replacing the external combustion engine (i.e., the Stanley Steamer). All fuels when burned do not produce equal energy. A fossil fuel like gasoline produces more energy when burned than an equal amount of fuel made from corn or other bio fuels. This means fuels based on corn will get less gas mileage in the same vehicle if it burned gasoline. Therefore, you will need more gallons of ethanol to obtain the same amount of miles driven with a lesser amount of gasoline.

Lane: The history of our planet includes ice ages after a period of global warming. The prevailing theory is that Maine was once covered with miles of ice. Who caused the global warming that melted that ice? Wooly mammoths driving SUVs?

Lane/Tommy: Our last question is how we plug up all those nasty volcanoes spitting out massive amounts of carbon and other hazardous materials, which has happened long before humans walked on this planet?

Lane and Tommy, of Windham, have been doing years of secret research using methane from cow manure for an alternative to fossil fuels. Their friends and relatives are now asking them to stay in the barn.