“What, me worry?” Alfred E. Neuman (Mad Magazine)

Lane/Tommy: What will the New Year bring? We wonder whether it will be something new, something out of the blue or will they continue to squeeze more money out of us and you. Our prediction is that local and state budgets will continue to skyrocket because of the insatiable cravings of our elected officials. We foresee a 20 percent increase in Maine’s sales tax. Remember that one cent is 20 percent of five cents, our present sales tax. We do not foresee everyone in Maine receiving a 20 percent pay raise except, of course, our governor since some elected officials believe that he is vastly underpaid.

Lane: I believe that Maine will end up in dire financial straits which will result in our bond rating dropping so low that we can no longer borrow money. Have no fear though as we can still lease the Maine Turnpike for 99 years which is what some other states are doing. The cash influx coupled with not having to pay thousands of turnpike workers will result in a state budget with a smaller deficit, maybe with only a $1 or $2 billion structural gap.

Tommy: I predict Mainers will see a significant decrease in their property taxes in the coming year. However, this will depend upon which state they move to. True tax relief will come to Mainers when pigs learn how to fly.

Lane/Tommy: Gazing into the crystal ball, we predict that Maine will be rocked by a major political scandal. After having an independent audit conducted on the state of Maine budget, it will be revealed that the State House has been playing with Monopoly money. Our governor will respond by declaring it is time to get to the real money. The audit will also show heavy hidden mortgages on the State House and Blaine House. The Legislature will declare that there is no money to pay state workers who will then sell their office equipment on eBay.

Lane: Will the future bring a solution to the slumping housing market in Maine? I predict that in the next year the shortage of housing will become so great that the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) will come the aid of Mainers without housing. As FEMA is still handicapped providing housing to people in Louisiana they will have to divert thousands of trailers to Maine. This will cause Louisiana to declare war on Maine so they will block Portland Harbor with barges filled with chicken gumbo. The gumbo will become so popular that it causes Maine to have a trade deficit. After losing the war, the Maine Legislature will ask for federal assistance similar to the Marshall Plan.

Tommy: Because there are already 2,400 proposed pieces of legislation in Augusta for the new legislature to debate and vote on, I predict some drastic results will astonish us. They will ultimately approve a very confusing tax relief bill that ultimately will accidentally do away with the legislature. This results in Mainers receiving total tax relief. To coincide with this, the governor declares himself supreme leader with an annual salary of one dollar, before taxes.

Lane: I have one prediction which deals with car manufacturers all over our planet. Due to slumping sales and increased competition from China and India, major car companies will be forced to merge. Honda will combine with KIA and promote a large, luxurious sedan called the Hernia. Mercedes will unite with Toyota to produce a large truck called the Moretoy. Chevrolet, facing bankruptcy, links with Fiat to produce a Hugo-like car called the Chuvet. This car fails to sell and becomes a Yugo station wagon called the Wego.

Tommy: Will asking Santa Claus be our only hope for a real future for Mainers? We must ask ourselves another question. What ludicrous or irrational pieces of legislation will be forthcoming this year? Tax relief or bah humbug?

Due to an outbreak of the dreaded acorn borer coupled with an epidemic of the Asian Squirrel Flu, Lane and Tommy, both of Windham, have abandoned their future in oak furniture. When asked why they were unemployed, they replied they don’t have to time to look for a job after waiting so long in the welfare line.