Ouch! Talk about being chastised. First let me thank Carol for her excellent reply to my column of the week before. However, I must caution that the column, although my thoughts are there, is only one portion of my life. I do not care if you are married, single, live with one guy, live with twelve guys, live with twenty women or whatever. It’s none of my business, and I certainly wouldn’t judge you for how you choose your life, just as I would expect you not judge me for mine.

And for religion, I know of only one place where He is not and I hope that you and I do not meet there for surely this place is a living Hell.

However, I have become convinced that maybe I should try living the liberal lifestyle for a change.

To become a liberal I must first find one to emulate so let’s try a president who stated “I never had sex with that woman.” I would hate to see the consequences when my wife comes home and discovers a naked woman sitting on the desk. I know that the second prize given at a gun fight is a granite slab and besides, I don’t sleep with carpetbaggers either.

I suppose I could try to follow Al Gore’s example and claim I invented something like computers or even the Internet but that would be stretching things into a white lie. I guess I could give away the guns I don’t have and remove the set of deer antlers on the wall, dis Charlton Heston and the NRA and kiss up to Michael Moore but that thought sickens me enough to run to the bathroom. Which reminds me, although I do not belong to the NRA, I could join the PTA, PETA, MEA, MMA and the SPCA among others.

I would have to quit fishing and toss the fishing gear into the trash as fish feel pain which would force me to buy fish at the supermarket because fish die to get in there as they feel no pain when caught by a trawler. I could blow up dams, tear down nuclear power plants, dismantle coal-fired generators and demolish MERC, PERC and the waste management plant in Portland. Do not criticize me when the smell of rotting garbage hits your neighborhood and your lights don’t work.

I could buy a dress, become a teacher and instruct children in school on how to do the same. I would be protected by Maine’s new sexual orientation law. Now that’s a great thought! If I became a judge I would release every prisoner in the state of Maine thus saving millions of dollars that could be used to invite more citizens to come for welfare. We could then use the prisons for shelters for the homeless which probably is happening to some degree right now. I would also do away with all traffic laws as nobody heeds them anyways. Heck, we could even destroy our drivers’ license.

If we all were liberals just think how healthy we would be. There would only be organic vegetables and fruits, with just a little fish as they are contaminated with mercury. With no hunting, the deer population would explode thus severely multiplying the amount of ticks carrying Lyme Disease and the West Nile Virus which would keep our population under control. We would have only one movie to watch, Fahrenheit 911, causing us to read more publications such as the Sierra Club monthly.

I could live like that except I have a few minor habits that I would not change. I like bacon and eggs for breakfast, though the amount I consume nowadays is small. I would never give up corned beef and cabbage. I certainly believe in the expression “everything has its place and there is a place for everything” but my wife says I don’t practice it much. I confess I have one addiction that I could never let go: I will always eat granola bars, not smoke them.

“Democracy is not a state in which people act like sheep.” – Mahatma Gandhi