DEAR HARRIETTE: Over the past three years, I’ve dated four guys. Each time, it was fairly casual – or that’s how it seemed to me. However, a few of them were ready to commit to being in a relationship.

When I looked back at each situation, I tried to analyze what was missing for me from each of these relationships and came to the conclusion that what was missing was chemistry. I am a practical person, but when it comes to relationships, the chemistry has always had to be there. I am getting older and don’t want to end up alone, and I am starting to reconsider my stance.

What are your thoughts on the importance of chemistry in a relationship? Should I keep it on my list as a requirement, or am I just being irresponsible at this point? – Made to Love, Dalllas

DEAR MADE TO LOVE: I recently met a woman who has been married for more than 30 years, thanks to an arranged marriage, a common experience in her culture. She described a happy, healthy life that she has had with her husband and family, one that was built on trust that her parents selected the right partner for her, coupled with the commitment that people marry for life.

In American culture, especially now, the mores are different. People fall in and out of love and do not necessarily think a relationship will last unless the fires are forever burning. I believe reality lives somewhere in between for most of us. Instead of searching for chemistry, write a list of attributes and interests that you find important in a life partner. The list can include anything from sense of humor to responsibility to devotion to family. Avoid physical features, which change over time. But you can add attributes about how you feel when you are with him. Be open to a partner who shares your values about life, love and commitment. Then welcome the chemistry in!

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DEAR HARRIETTE: I live in a three-level house that was made into several apartments, and while I love my neighbors, I have an issue. We don’t live on a really dangerous street, but it’s not all peaches and cream. Despite that, my downstairs neighbors insist on leaving the door unlocked when they take a trip to the store down the street. Recently, a random person tried to break into my apartment while my neighbors were on one of their quick trips. We spoke about this, and my neighbors agreed to not leave the door open, which worked for a few months.

Recently, I’ve noticed my neighbors have gone back to their old habits, and I want to know what I should do. Should I try to talk to them again, or should I go over their heads? I would hate to do that, but I need to feel safe. – How Did You Get Here, Philadelphia

DEAR HOW DID YOU GET HERE: Go directly to your landlord and explain the situation. Ask to have an automatic lock put on the outer door to the house. This will solve your problem, as it will require that every time the door closes, it will have to be reopened with a key.

— Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.