Q: I haven’t spoken to my ex since the day she walked out the door. She lied to me so much while we were together I have no desire to ever talk to her again. We have two girls we share equally. They stay at my house on Mondays and Tuesdays and her house Wednesdays and Thursdays, and we alternate the weekends. We pick up and drop off after school, so we rarely have to interact. Lately the girls have been telling me that they don’t want to go to their mom’s house. She’s a good mom, I just can’t stand her — and it looks like the girls are coming around as well. Is it right to make kids do something they don’t want to do?

A: Before we address your final question, we want to call you on something really important — consider your attitude! “And it looks like the girls are coming around?” From that comment, our concern is that you are undermining Mom when the girls are with you — trying to sway them toward your cause. If that’s true, shame on you! Divorced parents rarely get along, especially right after the breakup. It’s your job to spare your children the feeling that they have to choose between two parents they love. Doesn’t sound like that’s what you are doing and you are doing your children a huge disservice. The more you and Mom can support each other, the stronger and more secure the girls will be after the breakup. The parenting plan you describe is common and equally shares the children’s time between their parents. It’s not designed for parents who can’t support each other. So, if you’re setting Mom up, check yourself — in the best interest of your daughters.

That said, parents pitted against each other often secretly want their children to side with them — but it’s bad ex-etiquette and bad for your children. Also, it’s not uncommon for kids of parents who do not communicate well to tell either parent whatever they think the parent wants to hear. So, if your kids know you don’t like Mom, they will tell you they don’t want to see her, even if they do.

Here’s a test: If your child didn’t want to do her homework, what would you say? Probably “Do your homework!” If your child says no to cleaning her room, what would you say? Probably, “Clean your room.” Then why would you ever consider saying something like, “Don’t want to go to Mom’s? Oh, OK.” You and mom are BOTH the parents and you BOTH teach your children the rules. Situations like this are perfect times to demonstrate what you still have in common, even though you are no longer together — you both love your children. A good answer when the kids say they don’t want to go to Mom’s? “It’s your time with Mom. Enjoy it!”

— McClatchy-Tribune