DEAR HARRIETTE: I

had a big blowup with an old friend several years ago. We didnt speak for a period of time because I needed to focus on other pressing issues in my life. I am scheduled to spend a weekend with her this summer – just the two of us. While a lot of time has passed since our falling-out, I’m wondering if I should bring it up and explain why I was so upset with her. Or should I just stay in the present? – Clearing the Way, Racine, Wisconsin

DEAR CLEARING THE

WAY: My first recommendation would be for you to stay in the present. Many friends go through periods of friction. You seem to have survived it, either based on time simply letting things die down or true forgiveness. Either way, it may not be necessary to discuss the past, especially if you both have moved on.

If, however, your moment of contention from years ago naturally comes up, be prepared to discuss it. Allow the time that has passed to let you be more neutral about the situation. Talk in fact rather than in emotion if you can. If the point of your conflict was emotional, though, state that as a fact. If you feel that discussing it will open old wounds to no good end, you can also express your concern and ask your friend not to go down that path or to agree to proceed with caution, knowing that it could be a relationship-breaker for you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I

have been in a volatile relationship with my husband for several years now. It feels like he screams at me over every little thing. And he often uses profanity and calls me any possible name that the Lord didn’t love. It is just horrible.

Now, my grandson who visits us regularly has started using that foul language. I can’t stand it. My sweet grandson turned around and called me a b–– the other day. I have had enough of this madness. How can I get my husband to understand that he should not speak to me in this way, and how horribly it is affecting our grandson? – Reeling It In, Baltimore

DEAR REELING IT

IN: Chances are, your husband loves your grandson unconditionally, or at least he believes he does. During a calm moment when the two of you are alone, tell him that you want to talk to him about something important. Ask for his blessing to listen. Then point out to him the specific time when your grandson called you that word. Tell him how horrified you were. Point out that you know he learned it because when your husband is angry, he often calls you that. Tell him how sad it makes you that the two of you haven’t figured out how to argue without being hostile. Tell him you hope that you two can work to be kinder to each other. Add that you are certain that he does not mean to teach his grandson to speak profanely to his grandmother. Ask him to work with you to choose more loving language around the boy – and in general.

— Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.