Q: I have been living with my boyfriend for four years. He recently told me he just found out he has a 4-year-old son and wants him to be part of our family. He’s never told me a thing about the mother. I can’t seem to accept the child, and am worried that my boyfriend might sleep with the mother. Please help me.

A: Although you haven’t given us much background, there appears to be a huge red flag here — rather than be concerned that the man you have been living with for four years has a child, you are concerned that he might sleep with the child’s mother — with, it seems, no provocation. Unless he has been unfaithful in the past, their having a child in no way implies he will be unfaithful to you. If he has been unfaithful, however, the mother would not necessarily be of concern. Unfaithfulness says more about the cheater than it says about the one he or she has cheated on. In other words, if your boyfriend is a cheater, the mother isn’t the one you have to worry about. He’d cheat whether she was in the picture or not. In that case, we are wondering why you are wasting your time with him. 

Something else to consider … we have noticed that people who have not had children may romanticize the bond that two people have once they have a child. They can see that bond as sacred and think now that they have a child, these two people will always have this special attraction for each other. It’s not so. Although having a child can be a bond, people just as often walk away with no tugging of the heartstrings. If the mother and your boyfriend have not interacted in four years, mom is probably not carrying a torch. It could be she sought out your boyfriend for help with support — or simply the desire to give her son a male role model. In both situations, it’s your boyfriend’s obligation to stand up. If he doesn’t, that would concern us more than worrying about the possibility of infidelity. 

There is good news — a positive glimpse into your boyfriend’s character. He has told you that he wants his son to be part of your family. That means he’s looking for an ongoing relationship, and that sounds like a stand-up guy. If you want to stay with this man, look for ways to support the father/son relationship as best you can. Don’t undermine his efforts to get close to his son or you will find yourself alone faster than a speeding bullet. 

In terms of accepting the child, try not to be discouraged if you don’t take to him immediately. It takes time to build a relationship. Remember to give dad and son some alone time to bond. And, go to the Bonus Families website for more information on how to establish a positive relationship with a bonuschild, plus successfully interact with the child’s mother.

Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband’s ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, are authors of “Ex-Etiquette for Parents.” Reach them at:

eebonusfamilies.com