“A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.” -Author unknown

Lane: Seems funny to do a column by myself again but, sometimes history dictates what one must do. On Monday I spent the day at a hospital and Tommy is in the Kingdom of Vermont. So with a little humor, minor facts and a whole bunch of baloney, let me explain to the best of my knowledge how this all began.

The medical facility that I use believes in preventive medicine to ensure that patients don’t have to suffer unnecessary medical problems. During a recent visit it was discovered that I needed a flu shot that I surely forgot I needed and a real nasty shot for tetanus. Tetanus by another name is known as lockjaw, which I guess is commonly caused by rusty objects like old nails puncturing the skin. It certainly is something I wish to avoid, so I received the shot but, for those rusty old nails in Augusta, I certainly don’t have the answer.

I am the type that thrives on reactions to medicines. I made sure the flu shot went into one arm and the tetanus shot into the other. I felt the flu shot but not the tetanus. A couple of days later the arm and shoulder where I was given the tetanus shot felt like it wanted to fall off. Oops, I got that wrong. I felt like I wanted it to drop off. I know, of course, that the flu shot now uses a dead virus and cannot, supposedly, give one the flu. Not one person of a medical background has spoken to me about the side effects of a tetanus shot except that it prevents lockjaw, which is probably something I should suffer from time to time (for the health of those around me!).

To make the story somewhat short, about a week later I developed a sore throat and cough that were, to say the least, persistent. Several of my friends had similar symptoms but I forgot to ask them if they had a tetanus shot recently or maybe even a flu shot. The day this column is due I found myself in the medical facility I use (I should say attend) waiting in the emergency room to see a doctor or at least someone in a white smock. After verifying I had a cough, infected ears and a sore throat and perhaps several flea bites, I was given a prescription for a heavy dose of antibiotics which, in my case, means I will marry my bathroom for the next week.

And I just threw out all the old magazines that many people give me because of my need to read. When this week is over, I will be able to tell all about my prescription and its side effects.

On top of this, I am dealing with the fact the Tommy is in Vermont, and my wife and I adopted a new dog which is not a young dog but an old dog who thinks we should do the tricks. Adopting an old dog is not cheap except for the fact that one does not have to chase and train a new puppy. Besides, he is training us well. It is amazing how compromise works when adopting an older pet, except for a cat which has only one set of rules. His!

Buster is a dachshund who lives the life of a Vietnamese potbellied pig, or at least truly believes he should. His idea of weight control is opening an eyelid and watching us walk by, which means he could be related to me because I might be suffering from that same medical problem. Wait! Does that mean Buster and I could be eligible for some type of disability because the Devil made us do it?

And, last, but not least, I mentioned that Tommy is traveling in the state of Vermont. Never heard of it? It’s the only New England state with a governor with a rebel yell! I must say an awful expensive rebel yell. What I fear the most is that I will have to have Tommy committed to a hospital for treatment when he returns to Maine. Liberalitis is a serious disease, rampant in Vermont I hear, with a multitude of symptoms. I have no idea but he may need shots that can cure spendicitis, giveuseverythingyouearnicitis and maybe even ridiculousicitis.

Windham residents Lane and Tommy will invest in the future by teaching old dogs new tricks. If you have money to invest please call them immediately as the police are not far behind.