First District congressional candidate Adam Cote has been accused of being a DINO – a Democrat In Name Only. It’s an ugly charge, since it means that even if Cote doesn’t support higher taxes, excessive regulation, school consolidation and mandatory hedonism – he still has to wear a scarlet “D” on his chest.

All the shame. None of the fun.

Sort of like Larry Craig. Except he’s a GINO – Gay In Name Only.

But back to Cote. During an early December interview on Portland radio station WGAN, the candidate stepped in a pile of fecal matter. (Not literally. It was PINO – Poop In Name Only.) According to the Web site PolitickerME.com, a caller claimed Cote had, until recently, been a Republican. Cote gave an explanation that seemed to indicate he was more of a MINO – a Member In Name Only. (Those readers beginning to suspect this is a one-joke column – having squandered its feeble punchline too early, it now has nowhere left to go, except to spiral down into a cesspool of repetition, sophomoric innuendo and puns – are guilty of being impatient, rude and humorless. Also, correct.) Cote admitted he’d briefly joined the GOP, because he wanted to vote for John McCain in the 2000 Republican presidential primary. But he insisted his positions on issues remained those of a donkey-party loyalist.

Apparently, he’d just had a brief infatuation with a guy who’s pro-war, anti-abortion and anti-gay.

No, not Larry Craig.

And not all that brief, either. PolitickerME.com discovered Cote switched his registration from Democrat to Republican in Sanford in February 2000, a month before the GOP primary. In March 2001, long after George W. Bush had defeated McCain, Al Gore and the voters of Florida to become what I’d refer to as President In Name Only if I hadn’t already used the acronym for that, Cote registered to vote in his new home of Portland.

As a Republican.

It wasn’t until July 2006 that he returned to his Dem roots. Five months later, Cote announced he was running for Congress. Is he feeling conflicted now that McCain is making another bid for the White House? Probably not, seeing as how Maine no longer has a presidential primary.

As for the primary we do have – the congressional one next June in which Cote will face five Democrats Insulated from Moral Wavering and Indicating True Steadfastness (DIMWITS) – he may have squandered what little chance he had of winning.

Let that be a lesson to politicians who attempt to fulfill roles for which they lack the appropriate qualifications or proper registration. They face the threat of being tagged with annoying acronyms. Such as:

Gov. John Baldacci, a LINO (Leader In Name Only), and his plans to merge schools, jails and natural-resource agencies – none of which demonstrate much potential for reducing costs. They should be called CASINOS (Consolidations And Savings In Name Only, Suckers). Except the guv claims to be against gambling, so maybe they could be dubbed something like Financial Experiments Gone Horribly Wrong. OK, not the greatest acronym, but FEGHW does approximate the retching sound that often greets Baldacci budget-balancing proposals.

Speaking of which (excuse me, I’m gonna … uh-oh … FEGHW! … whew, that feels better), there’s the governor’s 2003 decision to sell Maine’s liquor revenues for the next decade to a private company for fast money up front. That’s as much as $26 million lost each year. By convincing the Legislature to give up the continuing cash flow from booze, the governor achieved a VINO (Victory In Name Only). And the state is now left with an ALBINO (A Logical Budget In Name Only).

David Lemoine, he of the disastrous $20 million squandering of public money in sub-prime mortgages, could be labeled a STINO (State Treasurer In Name Only – and maybe not even that for much longer). At least, it’s better than calling him a State Treasurer Undermined by Poor Investment Decisions (STUPID).

When it comes to drafting budgets, the Legislature’s Appropriations Committee is HINO (Helpful In Name Only). Need proof? This is the crew that approved legislation allowing Maine to recover unused value on old gift cards, which so far has netted the state exactly zero bucks and left a $28 million hole in the budget. That’s ASININO (A Sound Idea Numerically In Name Only).

I could go on and on. In fact, I will. There are campaign finance scammers, known as the CLean Election Act Naughty Officials (CLEANO). And the persistent odor of budget deficits at the University of Southern Maine, caused by Southern Maine’s Economic Learning Liabilities (SMELL). And how can I ignore the GOP right wing’s attacks on U.S. senators Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins, except to call attention to the conservatives’ Nauseating Emphasis on Undermining and Trashing Republicans In Name Only (NEUTRINO).

I think that last one damaged the part of my brain that produces acronyms. I may never turn out another one.

I’ve become a Writer in Name Only.

Join me in a toast by e-mailing aldiamon@herniahill.net.