The closest I’ve come to a bar fight recently was while eavesdropping on a conversation in which a fellow customer was holding forth to his date about the pointlessness of the cucumber. The two were watching something on his phone, I suspect one of the hundreds of videos by Logan Moffitt, TikTok’s famously viral cucumber guy whose videos extolling the knobby green fruit rack up hundreds of thousands of views.

“Why do people even bother with cucumbers?” groused the anti-cuke. “They just taste like water.

After I had broken a nearby pool cue across my knee — in my mind I did this, craft cocktail bars being notoriously short on scabrous pool tables — I started casting back to the specific moment when I encountered what would have been Exhibit A in my prosecution of this preposterous slander against summer gardens’ most undervalued player. It was a glass of water, the one handed out to welcome guests at the now-shuttered Columbia Room. I kept sipping the water, trying to figure out why it tasted so incredibly refreshing — slightly sweet, almost grassy, like water dialed up to 11.

It was, of course, because Columbia Room had infused it with cucumber slices prior to service, and the difference between that pour and a glass of regular ol’ water was the difference between your average tank-shirted day-drunk on the Ocean City, Maryland boardwalk and Pedro Pascal in that specific black tank that caused the heat wave in southern France this summer. Give me that tall drink of cucumber water.

To be fair to my misinformed fellow patron, cucumbers have long had their share of detractors. Per Samuel Johnson, English doctors felt that cucumbers should be “well sliced, and dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out, as good for nothing.” And these fruits masquerading as vegetables, whether the Kirbys — whose knobbly elliptical snouts remind me of little green humpback whales — the slender English, or the Persian minis are around 95 percent water, making their juice an effective source of hydration (and, thus, dilution) in a drink.

But they certainly taste like something other than water. Their verdant, almost melon-like perfume is not the absence of flavor but a quieter one. Their delicacy means they pair beautifully with virtually any white spirit — especially blanco tequilas with grassy or peppery notes, and gins, many of which contain cucumber as a botanical. Launched in the late 1990s, Hendrick’s is the most famously cucumber-y, a distinct gin that’s tricky to use in some classic London Dry-style gin cocktails, but one that shines in contemporary drinks that benefit from its green and floral botanicals. Other modern gins with a cucumber note have followed since its launch.

That subtlety also means flexibility. Over the years, I have used cucumber juice — easily obtained by throwing a couple of chopped cukes in the blender, then straining out the solids — to enhance the flavor of: a bright lime gimlet; a vinegary dill shrub used for a dirty martini riff; a jalapeño and cilantro margarita; an elderflower gin and tonic; as the primary flavor in a funky vodka sip with a little miso and sesame; and heaven knows how many drinks with green Chartreuse, in whose intense herbaceousness cucumber nestles like it’s come home. And so many varieties of the Pimm’s Cup! That veddy veddy British summer tipple, made with the gin-based, warmly spiced herbal liqueur Pimm’s No. 1, practically requires a slim slab of cucumber inside of the glass, and preferably more cuke muddled with strawberries and fresh mint. Cucumber bends to fit within all of these diverse drinks easily, and each of them would have been less without its presence.

Those examples are just a few ways you can use the juice. But the fruit’s high water content means you can also freeze the cucumber into cubes (or discs or strips) that not only chill but gradually impart flavor into the drink. The crisp, firm texture makes it carveable into simple or elaborate garnishes that can top the glass or sink within it, again becoming a source of flavor as the drinker sips. Wide swaths of its peel can be rolled into decorative “roses,” or thinner shreds can be frozen into clear ice, making for attractive and flavorful chillers. (These are all far more elegant options to the poor sullied cucumber used as pants-garnish by Spinal Tap bass player Derek Smalls, and require no aluminum foil for execution.)

I hope this defense has persuaded at least some of you to raid your gardens or grocery stores for cucumbers to experiment with in cocktails. For a start, here’s a drink that makes use of the whole cuke in a summery martini variation, employing the extractive power of alcohol to pull the flavors of cucumber and lime peel into the gin. Try Hendrick’s, or another cucumber-forward option such as those from Esmé or Prairie Organic, if you want more of that flavor.

You’ll want English cucumbers for this. Flavorwise, I generally find the differences between English (the longer, thinner, lightly grooved guys) and the Kirby humpbacks negligible, but there’s a distinct difference in peel: The English ones have much thinner skin in comparison to the Kirbys. And for this drink, you want to roll up those long, more flexible peels into an aromatic garnish to balance on the glass.

Equally important is the vermouth, which is not the dry variety typical in martinis, though you can certainly give that a spin for a variation. I opted instead for the softly sweeter white vermouth, in this case Martini & Rossi Bianco, which has vanilla and almost lychee-like notes that pair beautifully with cucumber. If you have celery bitters, use them — they add a lovely extra vegetal note. Lemon or lime bitters are a good backup option.

There’s a little waiting while the cucumber and lime zest infuse into the gin. You can use that time to think about how to keep your temper when you overhear people saying dumb things in bars. It happens a lot, especially right now, and there’s no need to let them drive you away from a good time. Just sip your beverage and be cool. Cool as Fonzie? Cool as a breeze? Cool as a … there’s a word I’m looking for. It’ll come to me.

Cucumber Martini

Servings: 1 (makes 1 cocktail)

Total time: 10 minutes, plus 1 hour of infusion time

This garden-party martini takes advantage of cucumber’s refreshing flavor but stays true to the classic martini formulation of gin, vermouth and bitters. The gin gets infused with cucumber and lime zest, resulting in a cocktail that’s crisp and herbal. The blanc vermouth complements the cucumber, while the celery bitters add a little complexity.

Make ahead: The cucumber gin needs to be infused at least 1 hour in advance.

Storage: Refrigerate the infused gin for up to 1 week.

Where to buy: Celery bitters, from brands such as the Bitter Truth or Scrappy’s, can be found at liquor stores or online.

INGREDIENTS

For the cucumber-infused gin:

1 cup gin (see Notes)

3/4 cup (3 1/2 ounces) peeled and coarsely chopped English cucumber (reserve the strips of peel for garnish)

1/2 teaspoon finely grated lime zest

For the drink:

2 ounces cucumber-infused gin

1 ounce blanc vermouth, such as Dolin Blanc

2 dashes celery bitters

Strips of cucumber peel, for garnish

Finely grated lime zest, for garnish (optional)

DIRECTIONS

Make the cucumber-infused gin: In a glass jar or measuring cup, combine the gin, cucumber and lime zest, and let sit at room temperature for 1 hour. Strain through a fine-mesh sieve, pressing on the solids to extract as much liquid as possible. You should have about 1 cup, enough for 4 drinks. Use right away, or refrigerate until needed.

Make the drink: Chill a cocktail coupe or martini glass. Roll up one of the strips of cucumber peel and skewer it with a pick, then set aside. Fill a mixing glass with ice. Add the cucumber-infused gin, blanc vermouth and bitters, and stir until well chilled and diluted, about 30 seconds. Strain into the chilled glass, garnish with the speared cucumber peel and a light dusting of lime zest, if desired, and serve.

Variations: If you want a softer, slightly sweeter drink, combine equal parts gin and vermouth with the bitters. You can also try the drink with dry vermouth, or add 1 teaspoon chopped fresh dill to the gin infusion in place of the lime zest.

Notes: Most gins will work, but if you want to double down on the cucumber flavor, look for a gin that includes cucumber as one of its botanicals (such as Hendrick’s).

Nutritional Facts per drink | Calories 176, Fat 0 g, Saturated Fat 0 g, Carbohydrates 3 g, Sodium 4 mg, Cholesterol 0 mg, Protein 0 g, Fiber 0 g, Sugar 0 g