Am I a perfect person? Well, folks, the jury is way, way out on that, so far out as to be not anywhere at all. There are actually those who think I am not even close to being perfect, but what do they know? Thus, having set this all up, I’ll today write about the irritating and endless verbal repeats one hears constantly, which you see, makes me a perfect person because I don’t do them. Much.

First, the most heard phrase in today’s vernacular is, “y’know?” It used to be most often blamed on conversations with America’s famous athletes, but they can’t take all the credit, of course. (And may I just insert one tiny request here, please, and can we stop calling them “heroes”? Being blessed with great athletic prowess does not get a person onto the American heroes list. Ever. But that’s for another column.) Hearing “y’know” constantly during conversation does compel me to say repeatedly, “Actually, I do not know,” and then go silent, but I’m a wuss and I don’t do that, being so perfect and all.

Another verbal annoyance of course is the famous “um.” I get it that these little verbal inserts buy us a fraction of time so we can enhance our stories with some colorful, maybe slightly exaggerated additions to our narrative. Come on, we all do it, especially if we are boring even to ourselves. And to be honest (there’s another one!), as I age, I realize in spite of my perfection, I am really, really old and really, really boring. Not that my stories from the Jurassic are ever boring — they just are when I’ve told them for the seventh time in one evening. And I can tell I’ve inadvertently repeated a hilarious tale from my past when I see that glazed look creeping into the eyes of my listeners like melted candle wax on a plate. It is universal, but hey, at my age I’ve earned the right, right??

And how about “I go”? Or “he went”? Doesn’t that actually mean some sort of physical movement from one spot to another? Oh, no, not any longer it doesn’t. Now, when we hear “I went,” we are to understand it to mean “I said.” Went did that happen? Overheard at a bus station: “So I went xxxxx and then HE went xxxxx and then later on THEY went xxxxx and finally after all that jabbering, things got settled.” I thought I was overhearing a group planning on taking a bathroom break together. Weird. Actually gross.

And then there’s “grab.” The definition of the word “grab” is “to seize or take hold of something SUDDENLY OR QUICKLY.” Therefore, one cannot grab lunch or medicine or an idea or a thought or dinner. Oh, I guess one can grab something if one is stealing it, but barring that, try using “get” or “retrieve” or “buy” or “think about” or “have.” “Grab” is way too aggressive a word when one is maybe simply thinking about getting something. No need to say, “Oh, I forgot my drugs. Wait for me please, while I go grab them.”

And while I am asking you to accept the simple fact that I am perfect, can we talk a bit about the word “like”? What IS that? Sometimes when I am with a younger person — and OK, I know now that I’m 87; everyone is a younger person — that word seriously makes me nuts, and so from that, two new rules have been born, at least in my home: First, no phones at our dining room table, and that same rule applies when we are having a family group gripe in the living room, also. My house, my rules. The second rule is that no one is permitted to use the word “like” unless they are describing something I’ve cooked. Considering I hate to cook and usually do not, they therefore have a problem. One time, I offered all the youngsters dining at my table 10 bucks if they could go for the entire meal without using the “like” word. None of them came away from my table any richer and I did not come away any poorer. They simply could not do it. I could see it was giving them apoplexy as they struggled in conversation without using that dreaded word, so I mercifully withdrew the challenge.

And it’s not just kids who perpetually say the word. If you are having lunch with a few adults and they keep on using the L word, spend your time counting how many times during the gathering they use that word. You can then silently declare the one with the most likes as “the winnah!!” This, of course, accomplishes nothing, but they will think you are eagerly hanging onto their every pithy opinion and will never know you are so bored you are desperately counting their “likes” just to pass the time. No one will be the wiser and it’ll truly help to move things along until you can make a break for it.

And since I’m on a perfectionist kick, how’s about I address a couple of my pet peeve pronunciations? Folks, it is not “larinx,” it is pronounced “lar-inks” and it is spelled “larynx. The cookie is not pronounced “Fig New-inn,” it is pronounced “Fig New-tin.” The word is “supposeDly,” not “supposeBly.” People who sell houses are “real-torz” and not “real-itt-orz.” And one more: the word is “et cetera” is pronounced “et-settera,” not “ek-settera.”

So, while I’m on a roll, can we stop abusing the word “need”? Do we really NEED to go shopping or NEED to take a pill or NEED to look at that sunset or NEED to brush the dog or NEED to go to the gym or NEED to watch the news or NEED to buy those shoes or NEED to watch that TV show, or NEED to avoid milk chocolate or NEED to do the laundry or NEED to dye our roots? How’s about using the phrases should, or want to, or must, or have to, or wish to, or ought to, or would like to, or probably should, or must consider or — well, you get the idea. “Need” kind of means something else. And now, you’ll have to please excuse me, as it is time for me to polish my crown, a chore that must be done every single day. Being perfect can be a bit of a burden.

LC Van Savage is a Brunswick writer. You can reach her at lcvs@comcast.net.