After careful consideration, I’m announcing my candidacy for president of the United States in 2028. By this point, I am certain that the nation will be tired of the broligarchy.

The male toxicity is not working for us, and Elon Musk has enough money to survive. I will make all the promises of the current POTUS.

I’ve been practicing feigning religious bona fides and am sure that I can convince the religious among us that I am the second coming of Christ. With this God-like power, I will pardon any criminal who pledges allegiance to me, particularly anybody who has killed a Capitol Police officer or two in the name of election integrity.

I can assure voters that the price of eggs will remain stable until the market forces of supply and demand kick in (once I’ve eliminated the government agencies designed to keep us safe from avian flu). After that, all bets are off for stable pricing of any commodity, except beer. I will brew that with the blood of my enemies. Please look for the launch of my new brewery brand, Truth Sociopath Suds. Each bottle cap will have a barcode scan for my disciples to use to buy my family’s cryptocurrency. Each currency is guaranteed to increase in value as long as I am president.

Thanks for the votes.

Tracy Floyd
Cape Elizabeth