Guess what? If you see a smutty, sexist, obscene, vulgar, or racist bumper sticker attached to someone’s vehicle and you dislike the words thereon, there’s not one thing you can do about it. Nothing. And that’s the truth, folks.

Want to know why?  I’ll tell you. Messages on bumper stickers are protected by the Constitution. Whatever the message.

When we’re behind a motorcar carrying an offensive (to us) bumper sticker, we almost feel forced to read it. Oh now, I can hear you saying that we’re not “forced.” And you’d be right.

Sure, we can pull up at a stoplight behind a car with a gross statement glued to its back end, and keep our eyes rolled heavenward. But do we? I don’t think so. I sure don’t.

OK, I know. Obnoxiousness and offensiveness are subjective things; what inflames me might give you peace. Or laughter. Or a “who cares” attitude. But in my opinion, some of the bumper stickers out there shouldn’t really be out there and please, don’t accuse me of prudism. I don’t have even a nodding acquaintance with it.

One sticker comes to mind, and I’ll soften and slangize its ninth word. It reads “If you can see the pimples on my a–, you’re too close.”  Seriously guy?  Is that supposed to be hilarious? It’s not. It’s objectionable and frankly disgusting. I mean just the mental picture of the driver’s be-zitted backside is enough to cause a fatal accident or at least an involuntary gag which can result in a fatal accident. Is that bumper sticker funny? Hardly. Let’s be truthful here; the mental image is nasty.

Today’s bumper stickers can (and do) display the most atrocious of obscenities, including the inimitable s- and f-bombs. Once so taboo they were only scrawled on the sidewalk in chalk well after dark accompanied by the sound of rapidly retreating footsteps, (mine,) they’re now used so casually they’ve lost all their punch and forbiddance and have become ho-hum and completely impotent.

To a point. While few of us crumple to pieces any longer when we see or hear those words, they can cause some embarrassment when you’re driving your elderly grandmother to her weekly Bridge club, and you’re stuck in traffic behind one of those dimwits for whom filthy language is obviously high-class entertainment, so he’s put a lot of it on the back of his vehicle. Conversation turns to frantic babble while Granny’s eyeballs and yours too, desperately search the skies for something to watch so you don’t have to look at that bumper sticker, until the light changes and you can finally get away from that driver’s disgusting prose. Unless of course Granny is into it, laughs loudly and suggests a few other literary possibilities for the back of the guy’s vehicle.

Seriously, folks, do we have to accept someone’s poor choice of language while we idly idle at a red light? Our venerable Constitution advises that we do and if they happen to offend people, then hey! Mission accomplished.  Their work is done, because people who wish to festoon their vehicles with obscene sayings have the legal right to do just that.  It’s the first Amendment, and while it is our prerogative to object, we are prohibited from stopping the practice. After all, what is offensive to me or even Granny may not be offensive to others. It is the driver’s first amendment right, which says they can shoot off their entitlements to be gross in any verbal way they wish. Even if it offends. And apparently especially.

One of the stickers I find particularly vexing are those aimed directly at tourists vacationing in one’s home state that say, “Welcome to (Wherever.) Now go home.” Who’s the sub-moron who thought that one up? I doubt it could penetrate this simpleton’s calcified skull-bone that the tourists he/she has chosen to offend are buying their wares, keeping taxes lower, forcing highway improvements, giving countless employment to people, paying for services–the list is long. I think there should be a law against the habitual, unfunny and idiotic practice of insulting golden geese. Talk about biting the hand.

I would personally love to see the abolishment of those stickers which gratuitously deal with sex, violence, and obscenities that only reflect the mental machinations of the imbeciles who plaster them onto their vehicles.  They apparently also have the right to glue on racist, homophobic, anti-Semitic, sexist and any other inflammatory opinion statements to their liking. What a world!

When we espy an offensive sticker and raise our voices in objection to its blatant grossness, the attitude (generally shouted by drivers) is “Hey! S*** happens!” And, of course, so it does.

But you know, I’m not entirely sure the framers of the Constitution really had any of this in mind. Maybe if the Colonials had pasted obscenities on their horse’s a–, or their carriages, those worthy gentlemen would have quickly reframed. I’d like to hope.

LC Van Savage is a local writer. Contact her at LCVS@comcast.net, or visit LCVanSavage.com.