I talk back to the television mostly in self-defense, and that’s because the advertisements are so powerful and well done, or badly done, that it’s hard to resist them over a long period of time. They say, that if you say something over and over enough times and with conviction, you are inclined to believe it. It just begins to sound right.

The flip side of this concept is, that if you hear something over and over enough times, it not only sounds right, but also you may even begin saying it yourself. And there’s the problem.

Fortunately, The Confederation of Applied Linguists has worked out, and beta-tested a chant, specifically designed to interdict and forestall those devilishly clever television ads before they have a chance to capture and rearrange your mental synapses and turn you into the sort of person who, without thinking, answers the pharmacist’s “Can I help you?” with something like “Oh, yes, Pyroglyptinol, Please, it’s wonderful!”

Pyroglyptinol blurb:

After years of research, we bring you Pyroglyptinol with extract of Heller’s Fire Weed. Not recommended for the age range of 3 to 76 years, without your doctor’s approval. Side effects may vary between catatonic death without the normal onset of rigor mortis, to the complete abscruffing* of the entire dermal layer. Ask for Pyroglyptinol by name, and don’t settle for less! It’s Wonderful!

Protective chant:

Yum diddle poddle piddle, yum diddle poddle piddle

Oorah, oorah, no! no! no!

Fink a dink a rooty toot, fink a dink a rooty toot

Oorah, oorah, no! no! no! (repeat, go back to Yum diddle … )

At first, you need to practice with a friend, where your friend plays the part of the TV ad, and reads the Pyroglyptinol blurb (cited above) out loud, in a steady, cheerful, and persuasive manner. While he or she is doing that, you say the Protective chant, cited above, out loud at full voice in a steady and aggressive manner, and continue by repeating as long as the offending TV advertising blurb continues. This will protect your mind from any damage and manipulation by the advertising attack.

After a dozen or so iterations, you should be able to recite the Protective Chant by yourself, no matter how compelling the TV advertisement on your TV may be. Your mental synapses will be protected from the mental invasion, and should weather the TV advertising attack undamaged.

This exercise will keep your mind strong and free.

Orrin Frink is a Kennebunkport resident. He can be reached at ofrink@gmail.com.