It’s a well-known fact that Americans are overweight, too heavy, or verging on obese. What’s the first thing they do when you visit your doctor for your periodic checkup? They weigh you and measure your height to see how much damage your mouth and gravity have done to you since your last visit.

Shutterstock/Zerbor

And why are we overweight? Many reasons.

Some say it’s the fault of the restaurants for serving you too much food so they can charge you too much money. In my case it’s because I love to eat, and I eat too much and too often. I eat because it tastes good. I eat when I am happy and call it “celebrating.” I eat when I’m sad and I say it comforts me and gives me strength. I eat because, well, it’s just time to eat again. Just look, see, everybody else is doing it. The problem is not the food, but control. Now don’t tell me I said “self-control” because I didn’t.

So, after the stormy reception of the MiniMax System for Collectors, which peaked at both ends of the spectrum from great to awful, and from certainly to never, it seemed like the ideal time to offer you the MiniMax Diet. It’s for control, but not for control of how much you eat, but control of how much you get, and if you don’t get too much, then you can’t eat too much. And this is the equipment you need, and this is how it works.

You need a mug with a handle, that holds just about the same amount of food as your stomach does and preferably metal rather than ceramic, so it won’t shatter if dropped on the restaurant floor, so it can serve you again and again, time after time, and won’t make you look silly when you carry it into the restaurant.

When they approach you with, “Hi! I’m Nancy, and I’ll be your waitress. May I take your order?” you respond with, “Yes, thank you. Please take this mug back to the chef and ask him to fill it up with some warm, yummy food, just level with the top of the mug, no more, and bring it right back here. And a glass of cold water, please. No dessert. That’ll do it for me. Thanks!”

That’s it – voila! – The MiniMax Diet – minimum effort, controlled food intake with a maximum dietary result. One mug a day keeps the doctor away. And you can do it at home as well as at a restaurant. Just call yourself Nancy and be the chef.

* Not yet submitted to or approved by any doctor of medicine or association or board of medical practitioners, and probably won’t be.

Orrin Frink is a Kennebunkport resident. He can be reached at ofrink@gmail.com.