Tucker Carlson has penned a one-act, one-person farcical play entitled “Did I really say that!”, starring John Balentine.

SCENE ONE: Curtain rises and Balentine shouts to the audience (composed entirely of vaccinated citizens wearing masks): “… it’s appropriate … to honor laborers … , never take them for granted … they’re all essential” (“Labor Day reminds us all workers are essential,” Aug. 27). Suddenly, a female jumps up and says, “Balentine, in a previous play you sadly uttered that you had to ‘give up’ certain food items because of rising minimum wages paid to essential food industry workers (‘All that, without the bag of chips,’ Aug. 7, 2020). Aren’t you being a hypocrite?” Balentine is puzzled and the curtain is lowered.

SCENE TWO: Curtain rises and Balentine moves forward on the stage, stating proudly: “Industrialists … created an America … where even our poorest live like kings and queens compared with … developing nations.” A nice lady in the front row cries out: “How many kings and queens need food stamps and rent assistance to survive, are required to work several jobs at minimum wages just to live?” Balentine steps back and the curtain is lowered.

SCENE THREE: Curtain rises and Balentine, sitting in a chair, speaks philosophically: “In the Gilded Age, … industrialists transformed the American landscape and created the greatest superpower known … ” An audience member bellows: “Balentine, you forgot to mention within this ‘golden’ time: unregulated child labor; employees worked six/seven days a week for low wages; working environments were hazardous; workers were injured, many died and they lived in squalid housing with poor sanitation. Workers were the real losers!” Balentine stands up, leaves, the curtain is lowered and lights dimmed.

On leaving the play, someone is overheard saying: “You know, Balentine is Tucker Carlson’s favorite actor.” Her companion says: “And rightly so!”

John M. Mishler
Harpswell