If you had told me 3 years ago that I would have a personal reason to become a spokesperson for suicide awareness, I would have thought you were crazy. Because, in my mind, I had three happy, well-adjusted children who love life and had wonderful plans for their future. Unfortunately, on June 14, 2016 I walked into my son’s (Evan) room to find he had ended his life.

It then, became personal. I can’t say the hardest part is “this or that”. Every day is hard. I struggle to get out of bed, I struggle to smile. I saw a letter that was for bereaved parents from the view of a child who had passed. It talks about how their mother lies a lot. I do. When you see me and say “Hi, how are you” I say “Fine, how are you?” I try not to let people see me cry. I’ll tell you, that’s not easy, because I cry a lot! It breaks my heart when I learn about another parent who has experienced this horrendous loss.

Before this happened I had heard about parents in my community who had lost a child. My heart ached for them. I told myself I couldn’t begin to imagine that pain. Now, when I hear about another person who has taken their life, I shed tears. Because I know the pain that family is going through. I’ve watched Evan’s sisters and brother go through the loss of their little brother. We all have lost a piece of us. We all have been left wondering, what did we miss? What could we have done?

First we need to get rid of the stigma of Mental Illness and Suicide. In our case, there were no signs of depression. I’ve come to realize that he was keeping all his anxiety bottled up inside. He was afraid to “burden” people with his problems or worries. Maybe if he had been more comfortable going to someone for help. I think it is important to get a strong message out that it’s a sign of strength to acknowledge a problem, it’s not a weakness. I think it’s important for people to realize they are NEVER a burden and it’s important to talk about your anxieties. Too many people take suicide lightly.

It is my hope that this can become a serious issue that more people are involved with. If my child had cancer or had been hit by a drunk driver, we would be talking about it. Society seems to be afraid to talk about suicide. We need to get more help available. We need to care more about everyone. It is my hope that in light of the loss of celebrities like Robin Williams, Kate Spade, and Anthony Bourdain, to name a few we can begin to realize how serious this subject is.

If you think suicide doesn’t relate to you, be glad, but don’t be confident. I’m sure the over 300 people at Evan’s funeral never thought it would happen to them. 

Rebecca Hartley lives in Bath