When my wife Tina’s two sons were in their late teens, she overheard them discussing something and interjected, “What I think you should do is…” One of them immediately said, “Mom, stop. When we want to know your opinion, we will ask you.” Boom! (Fortunately, she took their advice and maintains an extraordinary relationship with both sons today.)

Most people can relate to this story, whether as a young person seeking autonomy or as a parent trying to decide whether to speak up or hold back. I’ve discovered, as the years pass, that grandparents sometimes face this dilemma as well.

I’m fortunate to have good connections with my own two sons, Tina’s two sons and our nine grandchildren. I don’t know whether I was a “good” parent or a “bad” parent. Probably somewhere in between. My two sons turned out well, and for that I’m grateful. I rarely offered overt advice, but I attended all their games and events whenever possible, and I held out a financial incentive for good grades, a policy that worked.

Observing family interactions at Bowdoin’s recent Parents Weekend got me to thinking about the role of parents in helping their children succeed. Here’s where I come out.

Lady Luck plays a role. Parents get the kids they get and vice versa. “Good” parents can produce “bad” kids and “bad” parents can produce “good” kids.

Kids learn by what parents do, not by what they say. My own mother and father were smart people and fine parents, but they seldom imparted advice. Two exceptions: “Never smoke,” from my mother; “Never lie,” from my father. But they each taught me invaluable lessons by the way they led their quirky independent lives.

The trickiest part of being a parent is knowing when to let go and say, in effect: “Hey kid, my job is done; you’re on your own.” At the same time, good parents never totally let go; they care enough to be there at all times, good and bad.  A friend in her seventies once confessed, “I’m only as happy as my least happy kid.”

Every kid is different, so the parental role must change accordingly. Good coaches get that principle.

Young people can overcome a bad home life by finding a good mentor or two. Every person needs, I think, an adult who says, in effect, “I believe in you; you can count on me.” That said, Winston Churchill proved a stunning exception to the need-a-good-parent-or-mentor rule. He endured a bad home life (ruthless father, absent mother) and achieved great success on his own, perhaps in an effort to prove himself worthy. (I highly recommend, “Churchill and Orwell: The Fight for Freedom,” by Thomas Ricks).

Just as parents must let go, every person must take full ownership of their own life choices at some point. It’s a copout to say, “But my mother (or father)….”  The phrase, “Get over it!” seems harsh, in response, but that’s what must be done it seems to me.

Now I get to play the far easier grandparent role. Granddaughter Karis recently asked me to review her college application essay. She did a fine job with no help from me; she seemed pleased, however, that my response included the phrase, “You slammed it!” I was happy to cheer on my granddaughter Emma during her fine run at the Vermont Cross Country state championship. And my grandson David IV decided, on his own, to come to Maine from Seattle over Thanksgiving to be with Tina and me. I take no credit for any of their successes, but it feels good to be a proud observer and lend a hand when asked.

Then, of course, when parents get on in years, the parent-child dynamic flip-flops. Hmmm… I wonder how I’ll respond when my two sons say, “Dad, what we think you should do is….”

David Treadwell, a Brunswick writer, welcomes commentary or suggestions or future “Just a Little Old” columns. dtreadw575@aol.com.