When Donald Trump announced his intention to run for president in June 2015, I was utterly unimpressed. To me he looked like just another washed-up celebrity, addicted to fame and desperately looking to pump some life into his fading brand. Orange-haired and bloated, the arrogant, self-important reality TV star came off as an abrasive, narcissistic con man.

But other Americans saw things differently. Clearly I was missing something, so I got smart and started watching Fox News 24/7. I also swore off liberal print media and decided to stick with reliable sources of information, like the National Enquirer, and Alex Jones’s Infowars. Ignoring fake news and just getting true facts really helped clear things up for me.

I learned that for eight years an African-born Muslim who came here illegally was occupying the White House. A pro-abortion, Christian-hating zealot who was nearly as enthusiastic about the Gay Agenda as he was determined to repeal the Second Amendment, he personally invited thousands of swarthy deplorables from other countries to pour across our borders, where they were free to rape, kill, and deal drugs to real Americans. He also assured them they’d all get free health care and education, and that they’d never have to pay taxes.

I began seeing the need for change, but I was still troubled by candidate Trump’s refusal to share his tax returns, and by his recorded boasting about forcing himself on whatever women he happened to fancy. But when I learned about all the people Hillary Clinton made disappear, the way she snuck those terrorists into Benghazi to kill our ambassador, all those babies her husband fathered out of wedlock, and her giving all our nuclear codes away to the Russians via her non-secure personal email, well, I realized there was only one way to vote.

Sure, there’ve been a few bumps in the road, but who better to navigate a challenging learning curve than an incredibly classy guy with a brain so tremendous he doesn’t even need to read to know things. Spending scads of money our government doesn’t have to build a pointless wall or arrange for an ego-massaging military parade may seem unorthodox, but then again, so did the idea of clean coal, and look at all the jobs he’s creating. And it’s not his fault that porn star seduced him. Have you seen how she dresses?

And now the Dear Leader is offering teachers like me another terrific opportunity, one I fully intend to take advantage of. I’m working on honing my marksmanship skills so I can be one of the firearm-adept adults in my school who’ll get a little extra pay each week for packing heat. There’s no question I’ll qualify as highly skilled; during the archery unit in gym class 45 years ago I hit that target a whole bunch of times, and just ask my kids how deadly I am with a water pistol. Plus, I once got a bull’s eye in a dart game at a local saloon, and that was after I had a few beers. Potential school shooters are going to make themselves scarce once I get approved to carry a piece. And no smart-mouthed kid is going to interrupt my lecturing on Shakespeare anytime soon, either. In fact, I think a lot of my colleagues, even the uppity ones with Masters degrees, are going to start listening a little more closely to what I’ve got to say at faculty meetings.

Yeah, yeah, I know what some people are saying. “Mr. Young loses stuff all the time; what’s gonna happen when he forgets where he left his gun?” Okay, I admit, on occasion I can be a bit absent-minded. But I don’t misplace my keys more than two or three dozen occasions each school year, and every time I have someone’s found them and returned them, except for twice. And as far as losing my gun is concerned, I’d only take it off when I’m eating lunch, going to the bathroom, running down the hall to use the copier, or checking out Sean Hannity’s website during my planning block. Plus, I’ve been on my school’s faculty for nearly two decades now. I personally know nearly every custodian in the building, more than half of my teaching colleagues, and several students, and I know for certain a lot of those people would do the right thing and return my loaded AR-15 to me as soon as they found where I had left it.

That’s yuge. Believe me. I’m gonna make my school great again. Covfefe.

I was totally wrong about Donald Trump. He’s winning bigly.

The losers who still doubt him?

Sad.