DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I are overweight. I have tried fad diet after fad diet, to no avail. My husband has just given up on his physique and health.

We want our kids to be fit and not follow in our footsteps. We sign them up for sports and activity-laden camps, and we make them separate, healthier food for dinner. Recently, they’ve been questioning why they go to so many activities and eat well when “mommy and daddy don’t.” I tell them I’m not fit and young enough to keep up with them, but they seem disappointed in my answer. What else can I do? – Don’t Follow My Example, Rochester, New York

DEAR DON’T FOLLOW MY EXAMPLE: Your children are reflecting reality back at you. You cannot expect them to continue to push to do sports and eat well when their parents don’t even make the effort. It is time for you and your husband to choose to do something to move your bodies. Easier than that is for you to sit at the table and eat the same foods that you feed your children. While you may not be young or fit enough to keep up with your kids, you cannot afford to give up, as that is a very unhealthy and unsafe message that you are sending your children.

• • •

DEAR HARRIETTE: My wife, “Tammy,” has an adult son from a previous marriage. I think Tammy’s son is a total deadweight to her. Tammy told me a few months ago that she lent her son $8,000 for him to move into his own home because he and his “baby mama” couldn’t work things out. I was so angry and shocked at Tammy. I wanted to know when our bank account would be paid back, and she told me that when you lend money to family you shouldn’t expect it back. After confronting my stepson, he told me he couldn’t give me a date when he would be able to pay me back. I think this is cowardly. A grown man (he is almost 30) shouldn’t need handouts from his mother.

How do I get my $8,000 back when neither my wife nor stepson are willing to work to get it back in the right bank account? – Losing Battles, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR LOSING BATTLES: You are going to have to accept that you may never get that money back. That said, you can establish ground rules for the future. Let your wife know that you will not co-sign giving more money to her son and his family, because you do not think it is healthy for them. Offer to support them in other ways, including giving advice on becoming financially independent, if they are open to it.

Work with your wife on establishing boundaries for the health of the entire family. Make sure that you do not pose this in a way that is “us against them.” You will not win if you even unconsciously attempt to alienate your wife from her son. Instead, work toward whole-family health, which includes agreeing on how to support adult children.

— Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.