Welcome to a new feature of this column called “How Much Government Stupidity Would You Like Today? Take All You Want Because You Paid For It.” In this forum, elected officials and bureaucrats from across the ideological spectrum will demonstrate conclusively that it’s only by coincidence that they get their shoes on the appropriate feet and their meals in the hole designed for food intake.

Let’s start with the Maine Department of Transportation (motto: Sorry About The Crappy Infrastructure). DOT has announced it’s turning over operation of the Casco Bay Bridge between Portland and South Portland to a private company from Florida. This might make sense if it saved money, but transportation Commissioner David Bernhardt told a legislative committee that’s not the case. Instead, Bernhardt said his department would be “repurposing positions.”

The Kama Sutra is used for much the same thing.

Unfortunately for fans of exotic sex acts and/or government efficiency, neither is a likely result of this change. Since DOT is laying off or reassigning to vacant jobs the workers who staffed the bridge and using the money that would have covered their salaries and benefits to pay the Florida contractors who’ll now open and close the span (with the profits earned by said contractor flowing out of state), there’s no extra cash and only the most limited “repurposing.”

Given these facts, suspicious types have speculated there’s an ulterior motive behind DOT’s actions. They claim that for unspecified reasons, the department might be lying about its goals and intentions. The other possibility is that through an incredible infusion of boneheadedness, DOT failed to realize there’s no public purpose to this change. Given that these guys aren’t exactly rocket scientists, I’m inclined to believe the latter.

Meanwhile, newly elected Portland Mayor Ethan Strimling has decided his valuable time can’t be wasted writing speeches and attending meetings, two tasks that account for about 95 percent of the mayor’s duties. Strimling is seeking to hire a “special assistant to the mayor” whose job will consist of, among other stuff, writing speeches and attending meetings. Oh yeah, the assistant, who’ll be paid between $55,000 and $75,000 annually, will also help develop new policies (hey, I think we should hire a lot more special assistants), a job previously performed by city councilors with the help of existing municipal staff. This shift will free up Strimling, who’s paid 70 grand a year, to … I dunno … maybe operate the Casco Bay Bridge.

If it wasn’t obvious that the folks who came up with this scheme are suffering from advanced cases of twaddle-noggin syndrome, I might suspect the new assistant’s primary purpose would be laying the groundwork for Strimling’s next campaign, either for re-election or higher office. But that sort of advance planning seems too devious for anyone dumb enough to cook up such a feeble waste of taxpayer dollars. Or perhaps not.

“Ideas don’t just turn into public policy without a lot of work,” the Portland Press Herald editorialized in support of the new hiring, “and the city can’t afford to have another disappointing mayoralty.”

So, stop electing disappointing mayors.

Meanwhile, the staffers that Portland already has have been busy developing a policy that protects the public from the dreaded interaction of beer and pretzels. In November, a zoning administrator told the Allagash Brewing Co. it couldn’t sell snacks, such as chips or popcorn, at its tasting room in the Riverside Industrial Park because, “The sale of pre-packaged food in not accessory to the brewing of beer.”

It is, however, accessory to the drinking of beer, which is what a tasting room is all about. But this sort of logical interpretation of local ordinances is well above the pay grade of zoning administrators.

Allagash has appealed the ruling, and city officials are said to be scrambling to come up with new regulations that will ensure that no harm comes to innocent bystanders if the pretzel ban is lifted. No doubt, a special assistant to the mayor would be helpful in this task, but alas, that person has either yet to be hired or is stuck in South Portland because the new operators can’t figure out how to get the Casco Bay Bridge closed.

Got stupid? Contribute it to future editions of this feature by emailing aldiamon@herniahill.net.