Which small businessperson in Maine struggles the most under onerous government regulations?

The drug dealer, of course.

When limitations imposed on dope peddlers are compared to such occupations as gangster, poacher and investment banker, the latter three appear to operate in a libertarian paradise devoid of red tape, flashing blue lights and unfashionable orange jumpsuits.

You might think Republican Gov. Paul LePage, a supporter of unfettered free enterprise, would be sympathetic to the nightmare faced by suppliers of heroin and other opiates, but you’d be mistaken. Not only does LePage have no compassion for the plight of out-of-state pushers (“We must hunt down the dealers and get them off the streets”), he’ll probably want to start collecting child-support payments from them after his claim they’re impregnating our precious white girls. And LePage’s attitude toward addicts (“I think [there’s] a disproportionate share of money spent on trying to treat, and the success rate is very low”) is even less empathetic.

If the governor took the same approach toward other struggling segments of the local economy – the paper industry, for example – they’d be out of business.

Oh wait, they are.

But I’m not here to argue in favor of a more accommodating atmosphere for your friendly neighborhood connection. When it comes to easing the regulatory shackles imposed by Augusta, let the traffickers follow the same path as other beleaguered constituencies: Hire some lobbyists and hand out hefty campaign contributions. In no time, heroin could be proclaimed the official state pharmaceutical, and OxyContin purchases would be eligible for tax increment financing.

Who says the system doesn’t work?

Well, me, actually.

As is usually the case when Maine has a serious problem, LePage has positioned himself as far away from a rational solution as potatoes are from poppies. He keeps threatening to call up the National Guard to arrest dopers – even though most Guard troops in the state are trained as engineers.

This doesn’t mean the rest of the state’s political leadership is any more rational. Republicans in the Senate and Democrats in both legislative chambers have concocted a comprehensive bill to address the drug crisis – if by “comprehensive,” they mean “not even close to comprehensive” and if by “address,” they mean “completely ignore reality.” In a statement announcing the measure, Democratic House Speaker Mark Eves said, “This plan is a first step toward a healthier Maine.”

The health implications of caving in to LePage’s demand to fund 10 new narcs at the Maine Drug Enforcement Agency remain debatable. There’s also money for local police to create diversion programs to keep addicts out of jail, new detox beds, and classroom lectures by cops informing kids that even one toke on a joint puts them on the road to junkie-ville. There’s no funding for methadone or other medication-assisted treatments, because LePage and many GOP legislators don’t believe that’s as effective at controlling addiction as busting a bunch of hapless dopers.

OK, so the plan will do next to nothing to deal with the reality of drug addiction. But it’ll still allow our elected leaders (with the exception of House Republicans, who argue the proposal is of questionable effectiveness, and the governor, who has threatened to veto it) to claim they took firm action. And we can feel all warm and fuzzy (ironically, much the way one feels when injecting heroin) for having accomplished something positive.

And expensive.

All those new drug agents, therapy sessions and classroom lectures carry a price tag of $4.9 million. Half that money will come from surplus funds (LePage and the Legislature differ on which surpluses, but – more or less by accident – agree on the concept). The rest will be appropriated from money the state got to settle a lawsuit claiming Standard & Poor defrauded investors (who was it who claimed investment bankers aren’t regulated?). No new tax dollars will be needed to make the state safe for non-drug-abusing citizens.

Until the next budget.

All the money for this war on drugs comes from one-time sources that won’t be available when the new spending plan gets drafted. Which means that continuing this crusade in 2017 and beyond will require either increasing taxes, cutting spending or a fresh round of crackdowns on investment bankers.

Instead of drugs, abuse me by emailing aldiamon@herniahill.net.