It has been my sincere privilege to have had the opportunity to contribute to The Times Record for more than 20 years. Since assuming my role as the Domestic Violence Investigator 12 years ago, I have naturally focused each column on domestic violence with my sole purpose to educate and inform the citizenry on this societal plague.

With each column I wrote, I took a specific facet of domestic violence and dissected it in such a way that we may collectively learn just a little bit more than we knew previously with hope that an informed society is an active society. If I have learned anything in my 38 year police career — and 12 years working exclusively in domestic violence — is that this is far from a one dimensional issue.

With each column, I shared information about cases and those involved. However, as good a writer my wife tells me I that am, I am merely a scribe, passing along information as the messenger. Coming to this realization actually provided an epiphany on how to share future articles. Even the best writers can only do so much in attempting to express a feeling when they themselves never actually experienced it. With that in mind, I want to take a dramatic shift and share with you something I will call, “In Her Own Words.”

Several years ago I received an e-mail from a reader who was challenging my findings from a specific article I wrote. This woman shared some passionate arguments about how some older women don’t report abuse thus skewing my numbers. I was very intrigued by this reader’s arguments and arranged to meet her.

That meeting several years ago has developed into a friendship of mutual advantages. This woman shared with me her history of being in an abusive relationship for several years by her husband. Her insight from someone who experienced it opened my eyes to the intricacies of domestic violence that you cannot learn in class or in court. She opened herself and her story to me in graphic detail that I found increasingly uncomfortable. I found it increasingly uncomfortable to listen to; think how she felt living through it.

I wrote earlier that this friendship was mutually advantageous. After meeting and getting to know this woman, whom I am calling Dotty, I find myself much more aware of some of the dynamics of domestic abuse and as a result believe I am better prepared to deal with the intricacies of cases that cross my desk.

Conversely Dotty has expressed repeatedly that our meeting and subsequent working relationship has allowed her to grow and emerge from the shadow that has long cast over her. The woman I first met several years ago was timid, scared and was unable to live life the way she should. Her abuse took place in multiple jurisdictions over many years and was never reported. That is a story for another article. She eventually did leave and divorce her husband but the shame, pain and emotional trauma remain to this day.

Today, she is living life. We meet periodically and communicate regularly. I am increasing surprised and pleased with her emotional progress and more so with her attitude and understanding of domestic violence. A woman who met me several years ago by peeking from behind a curtain to a woman who has regained hold of her life.

Again, I am the messenger and I cannot do justice to what is inside someone. I can share what someone tells me but the true feelings can only be expressed in their own words. In this and later articles I will be doing just that. Dotty and I have exchanged many e-mails over years. With each message I received from her I noticed personal growth in her as well as an understanding of domestic violence. With each e-mail I was increasingly amazed by her grasp of the issue and ability to voice them in a frank and honest manner. I could write about our interactions and share her thoughts but it could not do it justice. For this and the next few articles I will be taking a different route and sharing Dotty’s feelings, in her own words.

Steve,

I thank you for taking the time to listen. I did read your other article, which I found also very interesting. I’m neither a journalist, reporter nor politician. As consumers, or listening to whether political debates, unemployment rate, domestic abuse, alcoholism, we are given lots of statistics, which after a while we start desensitizing too, allocated percentages, statistical data, is too often misrepresenting. I’m not telling you how to improve your column, but I feel putting real life experiences that reflect the statistics, then you will grasp a much needed audience. The people to people connection is what is going to get people to reach out and feel less like they are alone, coping with such turmoil in all realms of life.

I for one, when diagnosed with cancer, was afraid to reach out to other woman in my same situation. Eventually, I did and it is the hands on approach that does the most help and healing. We already knew the odds of survival, percentages of recurrences that is in all the literature handed to us from the beginning, which can be depressing. But seeing and knowing, sharing survival stories, not all of them survived, but we had common grounds.

Same applies to domestic violence. When one person is able to be validated and share the hard road, basically what you allowed me to do today goes a long way. It’s a difficult road to recovery, but it is attainable when voices are not silenced, but rather become like we start a new existence. Thank you again and let’s stay in touch.

Dotty

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Next in this series, Dotty continues her recovery. Steven Edmondson is the domestic violence investigator at the Sagadahoc County District Attorney’s Office