Greetings to the people of Maine in the year 2015. I’m communicating with you from the future, a time your primitive minds will scarcely be able to comprehend. Among the wonders our advanced civilization has achieved:

Flying cars.

Hover-boards that actually hover.

A constitutional amendment banning all Adam Sandler movies.

Yes, it’s practically paradise, except for one problem. It’s your children. They’re in big trouble. And only you can save them from the terrible choice they may soon have to make.

Allow me to explain in simple terms your barely evolved brains will be able to comprehend.

It all began in the year you’re currently experiencing, when Republican U.S. Sen. Susan Collins started seriously considering what she wanted to do with the rest of her life. Collins had grown weary of being a marginalized moderate in a Congress controlled by hard-core conservatives. She longed for a role where she could build coalitions, engineer compromises and exercise more authority. So, she decided to run for governor.

Not only would winning the Blaine House cap off her career, Collins concluded, but it would also avenge the only loss on her record, a disastrous gubernatorial bid in 1994 that saw her finish a distant third. Running for governor again was a low-risk proposition for Collins, since she wouldn’t even have to give up her Senate seat. Her term wasn’t scheduled to expire until 2020, while the gubernatorial race would take place in 2018.

In the GOP primary, Collins was pitted against state Department of Health and Human Services Commissioner Mary Mayhew, but the senator achieved a surprisingly easy victory by rallying aging, long-dormant, middle-of-the-road Republicans with promises of early tee times and pie for breakfast. She was also helped by public backlash against comments made by GOP Gov. Paul LePage, who threatened that if the voters hired Collins as governor, he would cut off all discretionary funding for state government. Informed by legal experts that he lacked authority to do that, LePage replied, “Kiss my butt.”

In the general election, Collins faced Democratic Attorney General Janet Mills, who had won her primary over former Speaker of the House Mark Eves, after she released documents showing the insubstantial Eves was in fact a fictional character created by Portland Press Herald reporters. Unfortunately for Mills, she self-destructed when she attempted to appeal to LePage supporters by challenging the governor to a “Swear-A-Thon.” While Mills won – using an obscure Abenaki Indian term for Skowhegan that roughly translates as “place where Adam Sandler gets his ideas for movies” – her proficiency at profanity was not perceived by the public as a positive trait.

Once Collins became the governor-elect, the question arose of who LePage would appoint to fill the remaining two years of her Senate term. The governor vowed to gain his revenge by choosing himself, but Collins thwarted him by not resigning from Congress until seconds before taking the gubernatorial oath. LePage responded by suggesting Collins engage in an anatomically impossible act that employed terms of a distinctly Anglo-Saxon derivation.

Once in office, Collins appointed her chief of staff, Steve Abbott, to her old position. Like Collins, Abbott had little stomach for ideological infighting, as well as the prospect of a brutal campaign. He decided not to seek election to a full term.

That left the Senate seat up for grabs in 2020, and the grabbiest contenders were Democratic 1st District U.S. Rep. Chellie Pingree and Republican 2nd District Congressman Bruce Poliquin. The former is a left-wing extremist who tends to waiver on her principles when it suits her needs (accepting rides on corporate jets, etc.). The latter is a self-proclaimed right-winger, whose positions on issues (gun control, Planned Parenthood funding, etc.) are subject to change depending on how they affect his poll numbers.

That is the terrible choice your children face today. Only you of the dim past can save them by voting these two weasels out of office before they ever reach the point of contending for a Senate seat. If you do so, a glorious future of jet packs, food pills and sex with robots awaits you. If not, you are going to wish you were deader than Adam Sandler’s career.

Even though I’m from the future, I still read old emails sent to aldiamon@herniahill.net.