It’s hard to believe, but there’s no Maine law against opening a pottery shop. That’s despite confirmation from the Department of Thoroughly Bogus Statistics that the state already has 484,921 such establishments. Nevertheless, no statute prohibits anyone from setting up another tourist trap peddling warped plates, tipsy bowls, and hideous figurines of lighthouses, moose and lobsters.

Likewise, it’s perfectly legal to establish new yoga studios, scrapbooking stores or law firms, even though Maine has a surplus of all of them. It’s difficult to understand how our legislators – intent on regulating guns, unions and hayrides – could have overlooked the need to control the number of businesses catering to people with more money than common sense. As a result, it’s tougher in this state to open a useful enterprise – a brewery, for instance – than it is to scavenge junk from trashcans, and sell it to ignorant out-of-staters as antiques.

I mention this not because I think we ought to impose new regulations on entrepreneurs engaged in such trivial (although relatively harmless) pursuits, but because it’s time to remove the restrictions on those who wish to invest in an equally pointless endeavor that’s been stifled by puritan morality and red tape.

I’m talking about casinos.

Maine currently has two gambling emporiums, in Bangor and Oxford. Both generate lots more tax revenue and cause far fewer problems than the average tanning salon, psychic or political consultant. Both create more jobs than all the manicurists, T-shirt shops and chainsaw artists in the state combined. But for some reason, it’s legal to engage in those occupations, yet against the law to set up another operation offering games of chance.

Last year, the Legislature spent $150,000 on a consultant’s report that said the state could easily support two additional casinos, a large one in southern Maine and a smaller one in the north. It suggested creating a competitive bidding process to award licenses and charging an exorbitant fee – $5 million – to even apply.

Imagine if we imposed those requirements on pottery shops. We’d be rich. Or we’d never again have to look at another ceramic seagull.

There are currently several bills before the Legislature, none of which would make it particularly easy to expand gambling. Democratic state Sen. Linda Valentino of Saco is sponsoring a measure that would allow three casinos in areas of the state that don’t already have them, so long as they sign binding agreements never to sell pottery. Republican state Rep. Wayne Parry of Arundel has a proposal to create a southern Maine casino that would be required to give significant chunks of its net revenue to such crucial causes as supplementing harness racing purses, underwriting off-track-betting parlors and subsidizing horse breeders. Some cash would also go toward income-tax relief, but not a penny for practitioners of yoga or devotees of scrapbooking. GOP state Rep. Karen Vachon of Scarborough would allow Scarborough Downs racetrack to add slot machines, table games and roulette wheels in hopes of, according to a press release, “preserving open space and Maine farms.” Nothing about helping out the closed spaces of tanning joints.

There are other bills, but you get the idea. If there’s to be more gambling in this state, it’s going to be the province of wealthy investors willing to donate (a nicer way of putting it than “pay bribes in the form of”) a small portion of their vast earnings dedicated to legislators’ pet projects that most of the public cares little about. Which is to say, there’s nothing here to advance the interests of tattoo parlors, cat breeders or weirdos who write political columns.

Probably just as well.

Like pottery, yoga and scrapbooking, gambling isn’t among my many vices. But it’s never been clear why the first three of these worthless activities are unrestricted by state-imposed legalities while the third is hindered by the government to the point of harassment. If Maine’s Indian tribes want to run casinos, let them. If every bar in the state wants to install one-armed bandits, be my guest. If we can accept reality TV star, market strategist and life coach as legitimate occupations, we can live with croupiers, slot supervisors and card sharks.

I’ve heard the claim that gambling leads to addiction. There’s no scientific evidence to support that, but even if there were, tanning booths cause cancer, chainsaw art causes ugliness and psychics promote stupidity – all more serious consequences than mere debt. And none of them is regulated.

Also, if gamblers run short of cash, they can always open pottery shops.

I bet you can email me at aldiamon@herniahill.net.