OK, put down the newspaper…slowly…back away from the newspaper rack in front of the post office…head back to your car…do not go throw this away just because it contains New Year’s resolutions here.

Arrrggghhh!

Is it me, or has America now begun to equate promises for self-improvement made in January each year with fingernails scraping on a third-grade classroom blackboard (or a CD of Barry Manilow Christmas Carols)?

Ahh, come on, you agreed to jump into 40-degree water for the Polar Bear Dip for the Let’s Beat Male Pattern Baldness Fundraising Event that time, right?

Let’s give these 10 a shot, shall we?

EXERCISE DAILY

Translation: when going to Walmart, park way far away from the entrance for a long, long walk;

WATCH THE OTHER TV NETWORK FOR VARIETY

Fox News fans must watch “The Ed Show” on MSNBC. MSNBC fans must watch that morning Fox show with the Ken and Barbie Doll type action figures. Then, having done that, you are authorized to go toss a TV into local ocean water.

EAT BETTER.

When at the grocery store, seek out the low-cal, reduced-sugar whoopie pies. Leave them around on the kitchen counter (buy extra to make up; no will watch if you eat twice as many);

PRAISE YOUR KIDS MORE

Tell your kids they are great. Say you want to give them a gift certificate to a restaurant of their choice (which you will give them once they pick up their room, write thank-you notes to Grandma and Grandpa for the Christmas gifts, and pull up the chemistry grade from D+ to a gentleman’s C);

FOLLOW YOUR TOWN GOVERNMENT MORE CLOSELY

You have a lot of money at stake. Property taxes are thousands of dollars per year. Watch local cable TV at 2 in the morning. See the zoning board meeting run for the l8th time that week. This is time you will not be screaming at your kids, or eating another batch of nachos, or resenting your neighbors for their purchase of their fifth Volvo or Saab with the requisite Sugarloaf decal on the back window;

DON’T HOLLER AT REFEREES AT YOUR KIDS’ GAMES

Sit beside that loudmouth father who has a kid on your team. Feed him your disgruntlements. Let him do it for you. Win win.

7. BE NICE TO YOUR NEIGHBORS

Next time you have clams, do not put them out by the side of the road in the bin four days ahead of trash pickup like you have always done in the past (True story!). Find a Plan B;

VOLUNTEER

The soup kitchens rarely keep time charts. In and out in 60 minutes, if that suits you. And they WILL send you a thank-you note (which you WILL post on your refrigerator).

REFRAIN FROM POSTING PHOTOS OF YOUR 4-YEAR-OLD NEPHEW ON FACEBOOK WITH BLUEBERRY PIE ON HIS FACE

Nah. Never mind. I know you are addicted to the promise of 171 “likes.” Sorry I asked.

RECYCLE

Use this newspaper on the mudroom floor where your kids come in. You get a cleaner floor, and get to trample on these New Year’s Resolutions, which (I know!!) you really, really, really don’t like!

Happy 2015.

Dan Warren is a trial lawyer in Scarborough. He can be reached by private Facebook message on the Jones & Warren Attorneys at Law page, or by email at jonesandwarren@gmail.com.