Labor Day has arrived. September with it. School. Late night chill. Real footwear replaces flip-flops.

And tourists leave yay!

(I deny saying that).

Following are 10 things that show – Tourists, can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em:

SLUGGER, THE SEA MONSTER

Tourists dance with Slugger, go up on the 3B dugout with him, sing stupid songs with him. On the count of three: “Thank you!”

The rest of us get to sit in our seats and eat cotton candy or fried dough. Important things.

BAD SEAFOOD

I know. Scarborough shouldn’t have miserable sea food. We do. 8 or 10 of them.

They survive. Why? Tourists!

Thank you. Thanks for ordering the Scallop Boat With Side of Rings. And for stopping in the gift shop (To buy an item that this February will remind them of a Fry-o-lator. Having a great time. Wish you were here).

ONE PRINT OF EACH PLEASE

Tourists help keep old-school photo shops alive. Print after print after 4×6 print of “selfies” with triple-scoop ice cream cones; or group shots of people in ugly Bermuda shorts, and XXXL polo shirts at the Captain Jack’s Mini-Golf Course; or Aunt Gertrude’s 90th, BBQ. (The credit cards go through).

OLD ORCHARD BEACH

Drive through downtown OOB in the summer. Admit it. It’s like visiting a zoo! Funny things to stare at. Some things that frighten you – in an enjoyable way. Kill time on rainy days. Stuff you won’t see back home.

MAINE TURNPIKE

Am I the only one who likes to drive on the Turnpike “overpass” roads and look left and look right and see the open road, where will it take me? Without tourists to gouge, tolls would have stopped by law in l948.

L.L. BEAN

You know why the original Leon Gorman instituted that “the-customer-is-always-right,” refunds-to-any-unhappy-customer policy?

Out of staters! Somebody from Revere, Mass., said in 1912, “These boots feel too tight….”

TOURIST HUMOR

Making fun of tourists makes us feel superior. We like that. “Tourist walks into a bar. Seated on the stools are Donald Trump, Gov. LePage, and a guy who ran Beach to Beacon dressed up like Kim Kardashian….” (Sorry, joke censored by me editor. Family publication, etc).

UNUSUAL “DELICACIES”

Maine gets some good publicity nationwide for some weird stuff. E.g., “Saltwater taffy.” Lobster rolls. Fried dough. Because people from Haverhill buy this stuff, we get on some CBS TV national newscast. You’re welcomed. (“Yaw will-comed.”)

OH, CANADA

If Sarah Palin can get national credibility on foreign policy because, she says, she can sit on her front porch in Alaska and “see Russia,” I want credit for having spent quality time from 4-7 p.m. traffic jams in the Dunstan area of 04074 land with 4,500 cars with license plates that say, “Je Me Souviens.” Very Continental.

SUBWAY vs. MCDONALD’S

In addition to cigarettes now basically being banned everywhere, the other cultural event that shocks me and I never saw coming is the statistic that there are more Subway sandwich shop locations worldwide than McDonald’s.

Who created this reality? Out of state guests (Go to any McDonald’s location in Maine in November; they are all BOMBED with local residents).

That’s it for now. Until next Fourth of July Au Revoir.

Dan Warren is a Scarborough lawyer. He can be reached by private Facebook message at the Jones & Warren Attorneys at Law page, or by email at jonesandwarren@gmail.com.