Another evening goes by and I contemplate about another youth that is struggling with the community, peers, teachers and parents’ perception of what he/she is and what he/she should be. He/she struggles and seemingly has conquered this adolescent life with athletic ability, good grades, good looks, lots of friends, good family. But once again, what is on the outside that the world perceives is clearly not what is on the inside of this youth.

The parents, teachers, peers and community may wonder why he/she is behaving in an angry or isolated way. The drinking has increased; possible drug use, but no one wants to really look further into that hell hole. They are just partying, one might say; my child wouldn’t do drugs and certainly not the heavy drugs. We all partied; he/she is just going through some difficulties.

What everyone misses here is that “this partying” thing is a mask, a very hideous and destructive mask. It covers, it hides and it allows one to finally feel as if they “fit in” for the first time in their very short life. All may believe that “fitting in” is the last thing such an individual would feel, but feel it he/she does every waking second of their day.

And in seeking that all too elusive thing as “fitting in,” for so many human beings, they seek those things that will destroy in order to fit in, or an attempt to feel as if they finally fit in.”

Alcohol, weed, oxy, heroin, cocaine, etc., are a dangerous, yet readily available method of fitting in and a master of disguise. These substances disguise the hideous nature of helping that person believe they fit in or belong or finally feel like everything clicks. For the first time they feel OK in this messed up world they are living in. We on the outside know this is all a fraud, a fake and will soon do the very thing they so fear. It will isolate, remove them from all they sought to gain, which is being loved and feeling as if they belong.

It’s all so simple really, yet so many take it for granted and in doing so, our youth are dying, hurting, alone and being destroyed which in turn destroys our families, communities, peers, etc.

In my journey of dealing with addiction in my family, there is only one common denominator, and that is love. The human soul craves this and needs this. We may pretend we can be without this, but to me that is to stop the hurt the absence of feeling love brings. That need to fit in, belong and finally feel as if one clicks with this world is innate. If it’s not protected and nurtured, we will seek it in whatever place it leads us. Sadly, it leads many of our youth to substances.

It doesn’t matter what type of family you are living in. If your children do not know in their soul you truly love them (perception – theirs), they will be empty and seek it elsewhere.

Are you an angry parent? Too busy? Work too much? Gone all the time? Focused elsewhere? Abusive? Neglectful? Silent?

Each child is worthy, period. Regardless of where they are today and how far into this mask of disguise they may be, they are worthy and have incredible value. If addiction is taking hold or already has, please understand that even though you may be angry, your anger is misplaced. Their behavior may be abhorrent, but it is the only behavior an addicted, hurt, lonely child knows. They will not think rationally as you do. Anything you are angry about and feel, they know it and feel it 10 times more than you do, but the way out is clouded for them. Anger breeds anger. Love breeds love.

I urge you take the course of love. If your child had cancer, what wouldn’t you do for them? Yes, in the beginning they may have made the choice to drink or do drugs, but once a body/mind is addicted, the choice is no longer there, at least not without serious help and a support system behind them. Boundaries are huge – know yours, know theirs. You can still be supportive and loving, but with boundaries so you don’t jump in the fire pit with them.

I urge you to look inside and assess your choices to ensure those you brought into this world have no reason to seek other master of disguises for their replacement love. Do not take them or this wonderful thing called love for granted. The results of doing so are devastating.

Deb Shangraw

Westbrook