Let’s dilettante our way around the land of Zip Code 04074 today, shall we? See what is happening to whom, for whom, and by whom in our little suburb….

ESQUIRE, DARN!

Just when I had decided I was going to cancel my subscription to Esquire magazine, they did a piece in the October issue entitled, “The 80 Greatest Sentences of All Time.” Gorgeous literary article. One “He is lousy at alone.” “The Man Who Loved Women,” Bill Zehme.

WHO IS THAT MASKED MAN?

I don’t know the new headmaster at North Yarmouth Academy, Brad Choyt, and I really don’t want to meet him either. But he has been writing some insightful columns this year in a local paper about what he wants to see American education be, what he hopes for NYA and (my phraseology) how he thinks “professional educators” have missed the boat on what is important in life for values, and life lessons, and what should, therefore, be important to make part of a K-12 education.

HAD TO BE PARENTS

Who came up with the idea that, after a while, if a high school soccer game is still tied, we will determine the winner by a series of penalty kicks by each team. Boooooo. This is not soccer. What’s next? A baseball game still tied after 9, 10, 11 innings, let’s settle it by playing Home Run Derby? It had to have been a busy parent who came up with this system, had to get home! (BTW high school baseball used to be 9 innings, not 7).

LAWN SIGNS

Guys, they call them lawn signs because they are supposed to be put on people’s lawns! Pounding them into the dirt near intersections shows nothing. Just makes a desperate candidate and his/her family feel better.

60 MPH TO ZERO IN 2 MILES

Was at the Maine Mall the other day. Must have been 5,000 cars in the parking lot. Must be 75 stores in the Mall now. $100,000 or more must have gone into cash registers the afternoon I was there.

Then I drove two miles south into Scarboro. Stopped at 371 Payne Road. Family land just deeded to the Scarborough Land Trust. Picked a cup of cranberries. Saw a baby bald eagle.

CRAIG’S LIST

This really is just a high-level lawn sale on your computer, you know?

SECOND VERSE

I taught third grade Sunday School for six years. Were I to do it again, all I would do would be play modern, popular songs on a CD player that mentioned either God or the equivalent. It would be called The Singing Sunday School. The class would draw 100 kids from all over Scarborough (Stevie Wonder, Van Morrison, The Eagles).

HO HO HO

Anyone seen any evidence of Christmas decorations, advertising, music, etc. in any retail store yet? A 12-ounce Diet Moxie to the first person reporting a provable offense to me!

I DID IT! I DID IT!

Teenagers do and say stupid things some times (news flash). One of them is to “confess” to crimes they have not committed. It is a strange phenomenon. Fortunately, the Scarborough police understand this happens. Sadly, though, not all parents know it. Twice in the past year, kids get hammered for stuff they say they did, but follow-up shows it was something else.

STILL CRAZY

It is a lot of fun to watch old video footage of tennis champions such as Rod Laver from the l950s and 60s playing with wooden tennis rackets (What?!). Ditto for footage of golf legends such as Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus playing with wooden drivers and fairway woods (thus the term “woods”). You should try it yourself.

Time to go. Have to put on my Halloween costume. I’m going this year as U.S. Senator Ted Cruz of Texas. Going to stand at the door all night and talk. No candy for anyone. Over and out.

Dan Warren lives in Scarborough. He can be reached at jonesandwarren@gmail.com.