Another new year is well under way in the school world in Zip Code 04074 land.

That means dozens and dozens of mommies and daddies of darling kindergartners are experiencing a standard mix of euphoria (“Chloe got an Excellent on her drawing of a pink elephant!”) and disappointment (“We were shocked that Caleb was not allowed by the teacher to switch seats a fourth time so that he could sit beside his newest friend in the class Griffin.” ).

Parents are not unlike the John Belushi character in “Animal House;” confronted at the DKE party with a situation where he could take advantage of the drunken debauchery masquerading as college fun, Belushi has an “internal debate.” A little angel on his left shoulder tells him to behave himself and do what is right. A little devil on his right shoulder says to ignore values, and do what is in his selfish interest.

Sorry, folks. Hate to break the news to you. But that is what parents are like in Zip Code 04074 land. Some are terrific. Others are paragons of yuppie selfishness. They bring to Olympian heights – in PTA meetings; parent-teacher conferences; kindergarten soccer; Little League T-Ball, and library book sign ups – the concept of I-Me-My.

Some advice and perspective is called for here. Like anything, those who need it most are often least interested in hearing it. Nonetheless, as a public service, here is an open letter to new parents about life in Scarborough. Little do they know they have a lifetime of joy and sorrow ahead of them as they shepherd little Logan and little Colby through the K-12 experience (can’t tell whether those kids are male or female by their names, can you? Greetings from Zip Code 04074!).

Dear Mom and Dad:

Welcome to kindergarten! You live in a nice town in a nice house in a nice neighborhood and wear nice clothes to drive a nice car to nice schools and nice day care centers on nice roads protected by nice police and fire vehicles and you are in Sccarborough, a nice place to be.

How can anything go wrong?Just wait!

You are going to be constantly disappointed the next l2 years. Not because this is a bad town. But because you are a hard-charging, educated, successful person used to getting your way. You won’t. Big time.

And when you are denied your way, the denier will often strike you as a circus clown, minus the big red nose.

There are five areas in which you will come to experience frustration, chagrin and disappointment in Zip Code 04074 land. You are going to learn it. You might as well hear it from me first here.

1. NURSERY SCHOOL

Some schools will teach your 3-year-old the Periodic Table of Elements; the square root of Pi; the Ten Factors that caused the Depression of 1929; and the plot and three main subplots of James Joyce’s “Ulysses.” (A rough summary of what many Scarborough parents want, I think). Others will feed them Cheez Doodles, tell them to shut up, and run them hard at Outside Break Time so they will all nap 2-3 p.m. so the caregivers can text their main squeezes.

Wish I could tell you how to guarantee the first over the second.

2. KINDERGARTEN SOCCER/YOUTH SPORTS

Some coaches will teach your kids skills: How to trap, kick, do a throw-in properly. Wonderful. Others will let the kids run wild, as long as they Win The Big Game. (Request keep your College Division I soccer scholarship dreams to yourself, OK? Letting them out is not exactly like belching, but it is close). In Little League – warning – it is all about daddies. Period. God love them. DNA is the most powerful force in a yuppie town. (Yes, the coach’s son will make the all-star team; no, your son will not unless you coach).

As for referees, and umpires etc., they are all volunteers. They stink. That is just the way it is. Understand that going in. Save yourself a stroke or heart attack. (Come middle school, they get paid. That helps, a little).

3. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AND ON: K-12

Teachers can be loving, caring, inspiring, future-oriented educational vehicles, or not. Some can be really, really good. Others are phoning it in. Even the good ones are not Mother Theresa. Parents often expect that, however (e.g. if you are supposed to pick your kid up at 3 p.m., pick your kid up at 3 p.m. Teachers have other places to go, too. Making people wait because you are a busy yuppie will make you no friends (nor improve life for your child).

And in high school, you will often hear of parent-administrator dealings that resemble the Jets and the Sharks in West Side Story. Turf stuff. Silly.

4. PARENTS

A Realtor once told me, “When people go to buy a house, they look at the kitchen, the bedrooms, the backyard. They give zero thought to neighbors. What makes living there good or a nightmare, however? Neighbors.” A similar reality in the K-12 world you are about to enter is found in parents. Some fellow parents are realistic, helpful, down to earth and good humored. The other 7,942 are perhaps a bit more selfish, self-absorbed and unidimensional than that. Here is a rule of thumb to remember in any activity you are trying to organize: If it is good for the parent, the kid will do it; if it is not good for the parent, the kid will not be allowed to do it. Simple as that. All chatter to the effect “It’s all about the kids” is B.S. Sorry.

5. YOUR KIDS

They will be the best and worst thing about the journey. Early on, they are precious little bundles of joy. In high school, they are precious, somewhat larger bundles of joy who don’t want to talk to you; don’t want to be seen with you at the Maine Mall but want your ATM card. That is how it is. And that is “all good,” as they say at SHS. Again, set your expectations low. So when they don’t want to go to a movie with you on a Saturday night, you will not break down in hysterical tears. When they drop in to your bedroom on a Thursday night and say, “What’s up?” and actually want to talk, it’s all gravy. (Warning some of your friends will say oh, when they get older, they will be your best friends and really appreciate you. Lie! Lie! I could tell you stories.

CONCLUSION

You have had a tough fall. It will get better, and then worse, and then better, and worse. It is like the Fryeburg Fair. Fried dough. T-shirts. Ring toss. But, before you know it, you actually have to spend time with cows, and seeing the winning entries of the Biggest Pumpkin Contest, and the Wet Pig Scramble. Ups and downs, baby. Ups and downs.

That is all for today. As you were.

Dan Warren is a lawyer in Scarborough. His email address is jonesandwarren@gmail.com.