News items from around the Borough of 04074 as we head, kicking and screaming, from the dog days of summer into the dreaded Back-to-School time:

VROOM VROOM

Remember those cool “Sting-Ray” bikes from the l960s and 70s? High handle bars. Long skinny banana seats.

The creator of those to-die-for rugged, compact, dragster-type bikes died recently. He was 88. Inventing something that kids in their 40s and 50s remember vividly during summers when they were 11, 12 and 13 is not a bad thing to have put on your tombstone.

IT IS CRUCIAL, THEREFORE UNAFFORDABLE?

Our society often talks about the importance of educating young people to keep ahead of worldwide competition, etc.

Then, you look at the cost of sending a kid to college, and you say, huh?

Now, many states are announcing they are spending more taxpayer money on colleges buildings, physical plant etc. This will help cut tuition increases a bit, but it’s a little bit of an educational version of the balding guy doing the comb-over.

A FUN FACT THAT FEW BELIEVE, I BET!

The Wall Street Journal says the old wives’ tale about the more money you have saved, the less money your kid will get in federal loan aid for college etc. is just not true. “…the federal aid formula counts up to 47 percent of the parent’s annual income toward college expenses, but only (includes) up to 5.6 percent of their assets,” WSJ columnist Kelly Greene says.

For every dollar you put in a so-called 529 plan, you give up a nickel in aid.

I suddenly feel like those old guys who are just plan skeptical that Neil Armstrong really, actually, walked on the moon.

HITTING A-ROD IS FUN, RIGHT?!

N.Y. Yankees player Alex Rodriquez is controversial for many reasons ($250 million contract; dating Madonna while he was married to someone else; and now steroid use). So when Boston Red Sox pitcher Ryan Dempster intentionally hit A-Rod the other night on TV with a pitch, many Boston fans said, “Yes!” Wrong reaction. Baseball is serious. The game is fun but dangerous. Google the names, Tony Conigliaro and Jack Hamilton. Tony C was a Red Sox slugger who was beaned by a pitch from California Angels righty Jack Hamilton on Aug. l8, 1067. Look at Tony’s perfectly black eye, and now tell me it was fun to watch Dempster hit Rodriquez. Find other ways to punish him, OK?

FACEBOOK LITE

UMaine philosophy professor A.J. Jacobs says social media “neighborhoods” are good for some things, not others. “My 100,000 Facebook friends gave shrewd counsel to a guy who wanted to break up with his girlfriend because of her hairy arms. But when asked to self-analyze, they struggled.” Imagine that.

TRANSLATION, PLEASE

A guy at the Beech Ridge Speedway LacognataPalooza race the other night had a baseball type T-shirt on that read “STOCAI’ DEARGA.” Anybody know what it meant? (I am guessing “Yankees Stink!” in a foreign language?!). A 12 ounce Diet Moxie in a can, slightly chilled, to the first person who emails me with the answer.

NEXT QUESTION, PLEASE

When I have gone to Scarborough High to speak to classes over the last 35 years, students inevitably asks me, mainly, two questions: One, how much money do you make? And, two, what do you drive for a car?

First answer is none of your business! Second one is: “I drive a very expensive 401(k).” Some ask, is that Italian? Yes, Italian.

NOW IT’S MY TURN

And I always ask them the same two questions: One, who here in the class does dishes at home? Show of hands please (one kid, tops, each class…Sad); and, two, what radio station do you listen to? Fascinating. You can tell a lot about a person by how they fill their ears each day with noise.

COKE, OR PEPSI, OR NEITHER?

Soda sales were down about 4 percent this spring. Coke blamed it on wet weather. Everybody else blamed it on people either looking in the mirror, or getting on scales.

STILL CRAZY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS

Former Mad Dog tennis star Jimmy Connors has written a book, “The Outsider.” He is doing a book tour. Sports writer Jason Gay has him down: He says Connor has a chip on his shoulder from being “of the club, but not in the club,” with the social elite of tennis. This East St. Louis kid was “furious, relentless, like a dog chasing a bumper.” Great line!

BEST MAGAZINE GOING

Esquire magazine has the best writing and best features, advice columns, etc., for serious adults. Minimum of glitz, celebrity schlock. They interview stars only if they consider them interesting. Recent covers featured Leo DiCaprio, Matt Damon and Brad Pitt. The same writer, Tom Junod, spent a day with each one, and wrote the three separate cover stories. He compared them in a final column.

“In all, if I had happened to, say, pass out during any of the interviews, I’m sure that Leo would have called his publicist; Brad would have performed an emergency tracheotomy with a pen knife; and Matt would have tied my shoe laces together to see what happened when I woke up.” Gawd. I wish I wrote that!

OK, your time is up. Please turn your exam sheets over, put your No. 2 lead pencils down, and exit from the back of the classroom. ’Til next time. 04074 out.

Dan Warren lives in Scarborough. He can be reached at jonesandwarren@gmail.com.