Across the United States, the Republican Party is sponsoring laws that restrict women’s freedom over their own bodies. Much like gun fanatics (and largely through the same single-issue tactics), they are often successful. Wanting to deny women the right to abortion, these wardens of morality have abandoned a direct approach to an outright ban – realizing that there is not only a constitutional right, but also broad public support for a woman’s right to control her own body.

Rather, their approach is designed to whittle away at the limbs until the trunk dies. They propose measures so unpleasant or difficult that applicants will either be discouraged or delayed until past the legal decision point. While abortion opponents are often sincere believers based on religious grounds and their beliefs warrant consideration, some of their proposals are well beyond loony – and inspire satirical responses.

A few of those outrageous ideas – together with counter proposals – include:

Delaware: The Wilmington City Council ruled that each “sperm person” as well as “each egg person” should be equal in the eyes of government. Since the typical female only produces a few dozen eggs at most, and male sperm, in their attack mode, swim happily in the millions, Delaware would soon have a serious imbalance between the sexes. Proposed amendments to this nonsense included special schools and eventual voting rights for “sperm persons” – since they must be considered “native-born.”

Virginia: A recently passed law requires women asking for abortion to first submit to a “trans-vaginal probe,” a 9-inch instrument used to produce an image shown to the room on a screen. Prior to the bill passage, a woman senator proposed a somewhat similar procedure for men seeking medical advice for erectile or urinary dysfunction. They would be required by law to undergo a rectal exam using a type of “photographic” probe of at least the same length.

Ohio: State Sen. Nina Turner proposed that men must undergo psychological screening and stress tests before purchasing or being given prescriptions for impotence drugs. Since it would adversely affect a lucrative market, the idea was opposed by the drug lobby.

Georgia: In response to a bill banning abortions, Rep. Yasmin Neal’s bill would have outlawed vasectomies, because “thousands of children are deprived of birth.”

Missouri: A legislative proposal would have also made vasectomies illegal, because “it would prevent the creation of life.” One opponent observed that vasectomies appear nowhere in the Bible.

Texas: State Rep. Dutton proposed that the state pay the college tuition and health-care costs for children born to women who change their mind about abortion after seeing sonogram images. (Once the budget office pointed out this might mean free education for immigrant children, the proposal didn’t even rate a committee hearing.)

Oklahoma: During a “zygote personhood” debate in the state senate, Sen. Constance Johnson proposed an amendment that would make ejaculating anywhere outside a woman’s vagina “an action against an unborn child.” (Very much a worry for healthy seminary scholars, midshipmen and others who may suffer nocturnal emission.)

There are other proposals on different targets that reach an intellectual level similar to these abortion “gems.” A couple:

Tennessee “rings the bell” with two laws: One will allow teachers to “challenge biological evolution, or the chemical origins of life, or global warming, or human cloning.” A second prohibits the teaching of “any human sexuality other than heterosexuality.” Its sponsor “doesn’t want his children to be exposed to things I don’t agree with.”

In South Dakota, Rep. Hal Wick, a Republican of Sioux Falls, would require every adult in the state to own a gun.

Thought for the week

Early health care: Hammurabi was the first to deal with medical malpractice. His code of laws prescribed that a surgeon who botched a surgery would have both hands cut off. He also specified death for lying.

Rodney Quinn, a former Maine secretary of state, lives in Westbrook. He can be reached at rquinn@maine.rr.com.