For a child to understand someone’s feelings clearly enough to respect them, he must first understand his own. And parental discipline plays a significant role.

Learning about emotions begins soon after birth. A 4-month-old gazes at his parents with such intense interest that he draws them right in to respond. But he is only beginning to explore his role in the feelings of others.

By 6 months, he will recognize seven emotions on a caregiver’s face: joy, sadness, anger, fear, surprise, distress, interest — and can express them as well.

By 9 months, a baby will expect to find information about any situation on his caregivers’ faces.

A child’s involvement in relationships will propel his learning more powerfully than anything else in his world. He first learns to care about right and wrong to please a parent.

If discipline is teaching, then every disciplinary measure must take account of the emotional motivation behind all learning.

Punishment that makes a child feel abandoned, or hopeless about ever pleasing a parent, leaves him without the emotional motivation to learn from his mistakes.

At age 2 and 3, a child will often be consumed by conflicting feelings and unattainable wishes. He will struggle to recognize what’s going on inside of himself and to know what to call it.

When a child says “I’m mad!” or “I hate you” or “I don’t want you to leave!” or expresses other strong feelings, that’s an extraordinary accomplishment.

In only a few years, the child has learned to experience emotions, to recognize them in himself and others, and to use language to name them.

All these steps are necessary if a child is to learn to control his emotions.

The intensity of his emotions is bound to frighten a child and often infuriate his parents. But now he needs his parents’ discipline more than ever — to reassure him that his inner turmoil doesn’t endanger him, and that his parents will help him learn to rein in his overwhelming feelings.

Parents are likely to be drawn into the struggles he sets up. But he will need to model on their ways of calming themselves, setting the issues straight and working toward a solution.

Misbehavior is often a child’s first try at channeling his intense feelings. For a child to manage his emotions without misbehaving, he needs discipline — and a model in his parent’s self-discipline. A child will need a parent’s help to learn about his feelings and how to experience them without losing control.

A parent can help a child to:

• Feel safe enough to experience his emotions. (“I will help you control yourself until you can do it yourself.”)

• Distinguish different emotions. (“Sometimes people feel like being mean when they are scared.”)

• Recognize the associations between particular emotions and situations. (“Aren’t you proud of yourself for putting all your toys away?”)

• Notice and name feelings. (“I feel scared in the dark.”)

• Identify and anticipate “triggers.” (“I hate bedtime.”)

• Find ways to soothe or express emotions. (“I need some books to look at before bedtime.” “I’m going to draw a picture of my scary bedtime monster.”)

• Ask for help managing feelings when he needs it. (“Can you sit on my bed and sing our song before you go?”)

• Accept and value feelings — they are a part of who he is. (A parent might say, “You have so much fun all day. Of course you hate to have to stop at night!”)

Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndicate, 620 Eighth Ave., 5th Floor, New York, N.Y. 10018. Questions may also be sent by email to:

nytsyn-families@nytimes.com