Summer festival season brings fried dough to the people.
It also brings the tantalizing opportunity to crush the neighbor’s pride in festival competition, as your Pampered progeny crawls across the finish line first during the annual Diaper Derby at the Yarmouth Clam Festival.
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Or, if judges have deemed your 13-year-old too grown-up to compete, you can set your sights on the rolling rind at the U.S. National Cheese Rolling Competition in Belfast.
Such quirky contests are a staple of Maine’s summer celebrations, from egg tosses to Moxie chugging. But should we be fooled into believing these are just “friendly” festival competitions?
Sure, our cohorts at the cheese-rolling championship starting line might appear harmless, but those affable-looking adversaries didn’t come to this party unprepared. They’ve probably been bench-pressing Brie on weekends and chasing tractor tires down their hilly suburban streets since early spring.
For an opponent without a plan, who has zero training and, even worse, a high moral standard that prevents him from cheating, the likelihood of festival supremacy is lamentably slim.
But we can choose to enter contests where the odds are naturally in our favor on account of our innate inclinations, acquired skills and body shape.
Here are a few upcoming competitions that might suit you:
If you’ve got a frog, then you’ve got what it takes to participate in the frog-jumping competition during Mollyocket Days in Bethel.
If your aforementioned jumping amphibian is able to follow commands like “Jump!” and “Jump more frequently and with greater cumulative distance!” and “There’s a rival on your heels! Don’t hesitate to throw an elbow!” — victory is all but assured.
And while I’d never suggest giving a frog a latte, large amounts of caffeine have always made me jumpier than normal.
What: Frog Jumping Competition
When: 1 p.m. Saturday
Where: Mollyocket Days, downtown Bethel
Info: mollyockettdays.com
If you have a tendency to look at a mound of mashed potatoes and see a battleground rather than a side dish, mashed potato wrestling might be your ticket to festival fame. If the thought of wasting large amounts of potato product sends your normally fluffy demeanor into a tailspin, grappling in the stuff might be the best way to exorcise your tater temper.
The folks in Fort Fairfield have been scuffling in the spuds during the Maine Potato Blossom Festival for years as a way to celebrate the tuber and mash each other.
What: Mashed Potato Wrestling
When: 6 p.m. Friday
Where: Maine Potato Blossom Festival, Fort Fairfield
Info: fortfairfield.org
Anyone motivated by cheese — particularly fast-moving wheels of it — can chase festival greatness during the U.S. National Cheese Rolling Championship in Belfast.
The cheese-rolling tradition is still gaining ground in Belfast, but it’s well-aged in the U.K., where competitors have chased cheese wheels down Cooper’s Hill in Gloucester for more than 200 years.
Contenders who don’t fight against gravity, and whose bodies are almost as wide as they are tall (indeed, much like a wheel of cheese themselves) will find rolling after the cheese a natural method of travel.
What: U.S. National Cheese Rolling Championship
When: 1 p.m. Sunday
Where: Maine Celtic Celebration, Belfast
Info: 338-2692; mainecelticcelebration.com
If you have a baby — or have access to a baby and permission to use said baby for personal gain — the annual Diaper Derby at the Yarmouth Clam Festival is a speed crawl to the finish line.
It’s never too early for your bundle of joy to start making momma proud, or to get acquainted with the take-no-prisoners style of our nation’s diaper derby circuit.
If your baby is a quick mover with a voice that’s more of a croak than a coo, see the previously discussed frog-jumping competition.
What: Diaper Dash
When: Noon Sunday
Where: Yarmouth Clam Festival
Info: 846-3984; clamfestival.com
If you’re a hugger — the grab and hold and don’t let go sort — let me introduce you to the greased-pole-climbing event at the annual St. Peter’s Bazaar in Portland.
On Saturday night, bold pole scalers attempt to climb a greased pole and reach a strip of cloth. The winner gets a cash prize. The spectators get a show of seeming futility.
But if friends and family tend to shy away from your Lennie Small-like embrace, the pole-climbing competition may be conquerable after all.
What: Greasy Pole Climb
When: Aug. 13
Where: St. Peter’s Bazaar, St. Peter’s Roman Catholic Church, Portland
Info: 773-0748; stpeterschurchportland.org
Staff Writer Shannon Bryan can be contacted at 791-6333 or at:
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