The House of Representatives has just passed a bill removing funds from Planned Parenting. The sponsor, Rep. Pence, R-Indiana, who calls himself “a Christian, a conservative, and a Republican, in that order,” has accomplished a remarkable task. By protecting or liberating various minorities, this modern Republican crusader has set a benchmark for his party unmatched since Lincoln freed the slaves. Search the record as one will, no single congressman has had such an impact on minorities since that great American, Strom Thurmond, shielded and preserved black Americans from the onerous responsibility of citizenship with a 80-hour filibuster.

Mr. Pence’s avatar, Jesus Christ, would be honored. Consider: poor women are to be unshackled from the outrage of early medical treatment, or the personal inconvenience of health planning. Rural or inner-city women would be protected from the horror of free mammograms – they would no longer have to undergo the discomfort, inconvenience and embarrassment of government interference with their breasts. It is certain that if they don’t know they have pre-cancer symptoms, they won’t worry as much.

The poor are to be extricated from HIV examinations. They will no longer be humiliated by the possibility that they may harbor sexually transmitted diseases. Chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, or herpes among this minority population will no longer be a subject of government concern. (True love may die, but herpes is forever)

By preventing birth control advice, women would now be encouraged to have as many children as force or accident shall prescribe. Nor would they be exposed to advice and counsel on pregnancy and prenatal care. No meetings or classes to steal their time. Poor or sick women are made into liberated souls to enjoy the pleasures of unwanted motherhood. They could now live their lives the way nature intended – free to bear the fruits of rape, carelessness or ill chance. Henceforth, they may – as Queen Victoria recommended – “lie there and think about the empire.”

Another minority of women, often middle-aged or above, will now be free to treat urinary tract infection or incontinence as their mothers did – either wear pads or remain quietly at home out of sight. They would no longer be objects of bureaucratic meddling, but would become emancipated Americans free of Big Brother.

The bill was a stylish masterpiece of the GOP genre. Like Mr. Reagan’s “rescue of Social Security,” which was in reality the most cleverly hidden tax shift from the rich to working people in history, Mr. Pence managed to hide the benefit of protecting minorities and doing good under the disguise of reduced spending. A main goal of the new-breed Republicans – to prevent any medical procedure that offends the horny-handed centurions of the birthers – was snuck through under the cover of “economy.”

One has to give credit to the new Grand Old Party. Mr. Pence’s bill passed with almost unanimous Republican support. By killing Planned Parenthood, they have taken their first step in restructuring government expenses. They have saved approximately the cost of one stealth helicopter.

Unfortunately, there is no chance of its passage in the Senate – for the Democrats, who control that body, apparently are not in touch with these issues that all Real Americans desire.

They don’t share with Mr. Pence his concern for minorities.

Devil’s Dictionary ?quote of the week

Equality under law: The law, in its majesty, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under bridges, beg in the streets, or steal bread.

Rodney Quinn, a former Maine secretary of state, lives in Gorham. He can be reached at rquinn@maine.rr.com.