Why such a crowd, asked the wise old owl

Of wannabe governors out on the prowl

All unemployed seekers

In LL Bean sneakers

For hours on TV they surely do howl

Next November Maine will elect a new governor. The job doesn’t pay much, but there is no heavy lifting – and it comes with a nice house with a couple of people to run it, a handsome state trooper as a body guard and a chauffeured automobile. It does require attendance at a lot of graduations, funerals, openings, 4-H suppers, lobster cookouts, bean dinners, dog shows and other vital state activities, but a seat is always provided and food is generally served. The governor need not worry about speeding tickets and he can visit any state park for free. Although some alternative newspapers may fuss, people are generally respectful and quite nice to him (or her) personally. The job is great for needy egos and beneficial for those with mild paranoia.

Each businessman is surely an ace

You can tell it by looking him straight in the face

As people most bold

They’ll take right a-hold

And straighten things out in the Augusta rat race

The odds of capturing the job are good this year; there is no incumbent. Consequently, there are many seekers, and they comprise a disparate mixture of beliefs, backgrounds, styles and abilities. Regardless of past experience, or lack thereof, they are each convinced that they can do the job smoothly and skillfully, and their promises are uniquely the same. None is willing to say simply, “I don’t have all of the answers, but I promise to listen to wise men and insightful women, and I’ll show up for work every day.”

Route 95 is sure full and wide

Of ambitious folks who want a free ride

To gain

The Blaine

And straighten things out from the inside

The field is impressive. There are professional politicians (attempting a career advancement), businessmen (who think the state should be run like Walmart), developers (with skills in rezoning), educators (politics is a natural progression), lawyers (there is unemployment in that career field), retirees (tired of being bored), guns rights advocates (they want to arm the state against Canadian invasion), a couple of Tea Party-ers (who aren’t sure what they want, they are just angry) and a couple of graduate students (one is for side arms in middle schools and one is for unlimited “hookups” – although these are not defined exactly). Finally, there is an “activist” who promises bare breasts for all (she is drawing the largest crowds on the campaign trail).

Ten say they’ll get us more Maine jobs

Nine more say the others are just simply slobs

But all would ax

Any old tax

And save us money in very large gobs

Another reason for the large number of seekers is the free campaign funds provided under the rubric of “clean elections.” Most seem to be dividing their largesse of “clean” moolah between TV and lawn signs, but two candidates are inspired by Gov. Baldacci’s tonsorial style and have shaved their heads. Of course Baldacci has a naturally shiny pate, while these lookalikes will have 5 o’clock shadows after a couple of days. They have posed a question to the Elections Ethics Commission: “Will a barber be considered a proper campaign expense?”

They just know it’s got to be fun

To have their very own state to run

Come this fall

Each has the gall

To master the Blaine House and show how it’s done

Others tout their backgrounds. One uses the acronym GLBTF – God Loves Bowdoin and Transgendered Folks. Another was teacher of the year at Meddybemps High School in 1982. A law-and-order candidate was code enforcement officer at Fairpoint. Another owned several profitable businesses before bankruptcy. A native son is a lobsterman with experience in both marine and corrections – served two years for cutting traps in a lobster war. One argues that if Sarah Palin could be president, a woman certainly could be governor of Maine – and she promises to invite the ex-Alaska governor to her inauguration.

It seems that Richard, Tom and Mable

Each thinks that fate has made them able

To see their fate

Is to run this state

And fix the mess in the Augusta stable

To summarize: the field seems quite level. The eminence grise of Maine politics is not in the race. John Martin seems content with running the Legislature.

Rodney Quinn, a former Maine secretary of state, lives in Gorham. He can be reached at rquinn@maine.rr.com.