It’s a really hot day, and I would complain to the landlord about the busted air conditioner, but he already told me he would worry about that when I caught up on the rent.

So I popped another Olde Frothingslosh, “the Pale Stale Ale with the Foam on the Bottom,” and contented myself with recalling my last case, a missing cat.

I don’t normally take such cases, but the owner gave me a cash advance, so I went looking. Found it, too, stuck in a tree, and got it down relatively unscathed – after finding a place that rented chainsaws by the hour. The property owner wasn’t happy, but I left him with the firewood, so it worked out.

Right then something really unusual happened that gave me a fright: Somebody knocked on the door.

“Richards! Dick Richards, P.I.! Open up, we have to talk to you!”

Of course, I recognized the voice: “Come on in, Mr. Trump,” I called out. “Who’s with you?” In came The Donald and an older, balding man I also knew instantly.

“Sen. Sanders!” I said. “What a surprise to see you two together.”

“It shouldn’t be,” he replied. “We’ve got a lot in common.”

Other than being unelectable, not much, I thought, but instead I said, “What can I do for you?”

“We want your help to crush the establishment,” they said in perfect unison, which was more than a little scary. “The power structure is trying to marginalize us, and we want to fight back.”

“Er, power structure? One of you is a billionaire several times over, and the other holds to the purest form of the socialist viewpoint that has taken over the Democratic Party. Neither of you can even imagine what it looks like to be a outsider.”

“Not so,” said Trump. “I’ve been kicked out of a dozen groups since I started talking about illegal immigration, and Bernie here has been told he may not even get to run in New Hampshire unless he registers as a Democrat.”

“Well, in order to run in a party primary, you probably should be a party member – though I know some states don’t see it that way. But Bernie’s doing well in the polls, and you’re topping out in some of them. You’re each getting a ton of coverage, because the media love the dissident outsider vibe, and both of you have exactly the kind of opposition that you’ve been courting.”

“But people keep saying we have no chance of getting the nominations.”

“And they’re right. Being on top of the polls with multiple opposition candidates only takes about 10 percent to 15 percent support, and neither one of you has shown any depth in the political sphere. Being a magnate is different, and so is being a small-city mayor in a place like Burlington.

“Sorry, guys, but people are hungry now for competence, leadership, solidity, vision and strength. Plenty of Republicans have those qualities in spades, and Hillary Clinton has learned how to fake them impeccably. You can see why Americans are hungry for a leader who has them, can’t you?”

“But we’re just the people to step in,” said Sanders. “This country hasn’t been transformed nearly enough. Trump here pays way too little in taxes, there are doctors and hospitals the government doesn’t control, and we actually still have a Pentagon. That has to change!”

“I don’t hold with all that,” said Trump, “but I do agree with Bernie that the people in power are messing things up. As someone who contributes as much money to Democrats as Republicans, I think I can appeal to a wide variety of Americans.”

“Look,” I said. “Bernie, if (or when) Joe Biden announces, your support is going to flow his way. I know you actually sound saner than he does, but when it comes to experience, he can suck the air out of your balloon faster than you can say ‘crazy uncle in the attic.’ And he can raise money, too. You have no one to blame but yourself. The crowds you attracted by being farther out on the progressive limb than Hillary will swing to him because he looks like more of a winner than you do. Which, you have to admit, isn’t hard.”

“And you, Donald, are showing the real candidates that there are votes in telling the truth. At least a few of them will learn that lesson, and you will sink as rapidly as you rose. No, I think you’re here to have me verify that you only have one chance.”

“Yes,” they said again in unison, and chimed in together: “We’ll run as a joint independent ticket. Try to stop us then!” And they left arm-in-arm.

Still, I wasn’t worried. How will they ever decide who should lead it?

M.D. Harmon, a retired journalist and military officer, is a freelance journalist and speaker. He can be contacted at:

mdharmoncol@yahoo.com